it's been a while, old friend

haven't visited this place for the past few months because it that quiet place that i come to when i need some time away from the world, to talk to a blank space and have no one talk back and say what i want. somehow i find that comforting.

i guess tonight is one of those nights, where the threshold for the opposite of happiness has been crossed and i'm feeling a little down and anxious. whoever said no news is good news needs to be told that he's wrong. the absence of a response is terrifying. you don't know what the other person is doing, thinking or not thinking. so your mind runs a muck, scenes start playing in your head and you get anxious. so you start thinking it's probably not going to work out and that it's best that you never talked to the other person again. you start to rationalize the absence of a response. you start toying with the idea of letting go.

mumford and sons would have said "i will wait" but isn't it also true that sometimes to love is to let go?  so what is one supposed to do? why is this happening?...


+listening to: sugar mountain by neil young

» Read the Full Post of " it's been a while, old friend "...

the start of another life

i've been back home almost a week now. in another couple of weeks, another life awaits: the adult life. a full time job. politics. responsibilities. 

responsibilities.

there's the responsibilities to others and then there's the responsibilities to self. i've always been rather reckless with the latter. i've come to realize in recent years that a lot of what i had done was out of obligations to satisfy other people. somehow i had got it into me that making others happy would bring joy to my own existence. come to think of it, those moments are far and few between. i think i was afraid that doing things for the pleasure of none other than myself would make me a selfish person for we've all been taught that selfishness goes against everything that is virtuous and "right". the fear was very real, albeit an invisible fear; a self imposed one.

but then one day i decided not to give a fuck anymore. i don't exactly recall what triggered it, but something did and i've never felt better since. i started doing things that made me happy. i started to enjoy my life instead of dreading what might come up. i started being comfortable with who i am.

i guess sometimes it's ok to be a little selfish. because it's just me now.

me vs. the world.

+listening to: flume by bon iver

» Read the Full Post of " the start of another life "...

ridin' and eatin'

pre-ride nutrition:

lunch break:

+listening to: nothing

» Read the Full Post of " ridin' and eatin' "...

last dispatch

1 more hurdle to get through.

+listening to: nothing

» Read the Full Post of " last dispatch "...

i'm so fucked up

+listening to: i'm one by eddie vedder

» Read the Full Post of " i'm so fucked up "...

+listening to: present tense by pearl jam

» Read the Full Post of " "...

snow blind

12 degrees F weather and snowing - it couldn't get any more perfect. for once, snow is actually a good thing: an opportunity to throw caution to the wind and try some crazy stuff because crashing wouldn't be such a bad thing at all with a cushion-y soft landing, i just get a bunch of snow on me.

riding off road is definitely exhilarating and scary at the same time but then again, i haven't had this much fun in quite a while. and the trusty yeti finally got to be "in its element", so to speak.

+listening to: snow blind by black sabbath

» Read the Full Post of " snow blind "...

a time for everything

It's been exactly a month to the day since i last wrote something here. it felt a little pointless, a little uninspired.

i took some time off to find that excitement that got me clicking away on my worn down keyboard, the same way that one's legs need reacquainting when one has been off the bicycle for extended periods of time. writing here is probably the closest i would come to being in the shoes of some unknown writer holed up in a brownstone somewhere along the tree lined streets in the west village of new york city. and the keyboard on my trusty old laptop would have to suffice for the the lack of that mechanical "charm" of typewriters from days gone by.

it's a rainy evening here in brooklyn; 57 degrees out no less at the end of december for no good reason. with the promise of sunshine and an early morning stroll in central park, i couldn't ask for more even if i wanted. there's ample food in my belly, tatum's tunes have never sounded so good to my ears and i get to spend time with an someone i truly appreciate - this moment is pretty much perfect.

for a split second i remembered this is right where i started. i lived to record these moments in writing so one day i'd be able to revisit them and relive these precious memories. somehow it makes up  for all those not so good ones. while it is true that we should always try to live our lives in the present tense, nostalgia done tastefully has that same effect as frying chicken - it just tend to make you feel better about life.

+listening to: i've got a world on a string by art tatum

» Read the Full Post of " a time for everything "...

24

today is me day, so i'm riding the bday miles

spending this 24th one in relative peace and quiet.


+listening to: quiet by this will destroy you

» Read the Full Post of " 24 "...

dreaming

watching rapha videos while studying for a midterm again. summer, wish you were here.




+listening to: the mighty rio grande by this will destroy you

» Read the Full Post of " dreaming "...

lost

...the feeling of being lost, of nothing to look forward to. Haven't felt that in a while and now i'm agitated, anxious. it's getting out of control. everything is.

+listening to: nothing

» Read the Full Post of " lost "...

i am

too damn tired and sad to be angry.. sometimes i wonder to myself why i even bothered...

+listening to: i found a boy by adele

» Read the Full Post of " i am "...

about last night

sara b never fails to lift those rain clouds over my head. see you again some time soon (maybe).

+listening to: august moon by sara bareilles

» Read the Full Post of " about last night "...

lost

sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

+listening to: nothing

» Read the Full Post of " lost "...

for the things i do

even though the loneliness inside of me is all but gone now, there's a sense that it has been replaced by something else.

probably guilt. the fact that i knew i had that one shot to get it right and i messed it up. and i have a habit of doing that. i've been doing it all my life.

+listening to: you make me smile by aloe blacc

» Read the Full Post of " for the things i do "...

the muses are heard

the fate of the world lies in a handshake, a smile, a stutter, a nod.

i've been talking to people these past day or so, and what i presumed to be a formality suddenly became a chore: the belabored points-of-interests that interested no-one; the hackneyed expressions that went unnoticed. and when it all ended, i felt a little worse for wear, and ever so slightly disheartened.

i still don't know what i am chasing. is it the american dream? or the all-too-idealistic ideals that fill my head to the brim.. both are starting to seem so unrealistic in this very real world that we reside in. someone must have the answers, is it aristotle or socrates? capote or hemmingway? shannon hoon or kurt kobain?

+listening to: nothing

» Read the Full Post of " the muses are heard "...

untitled

for i am tired and beat. and this is merely week #1.

+listening to: nothing

» Read the Full Post of " untitled "...

daily views: lunch vs work

+listening to: el camino by amos lee

» Read the Full Post of " daily views: lunch vs work "...

last days at the lodge

+listening to: ease back by amos lee

» Read the Full Post of " last days at the lodge "...

all them traits

wisdom, composure, patience, perseverance, foresight - all sure signs of maturity in full flight. the reason why i sometimes act like a kid is because i want our times to be filled with laughter, teasing and unadulterated happiness. i think life is too short to live in prolonged silence and murmurs of dissatisfaction.

to me, maturity somehow comes with a burden, there're the inevitable downsides to it. if that is the side which is required to make someone important feel at peace, it's perfectly acceptable; because our notions of happiness might not exactly converge. but if some tweaking means that we'll be that much closer to it, then it is well worth the effort.

there're certain sacrifices that need to be made in life, and when one fortuitously come across a good reason for him to want to make the said sacrifices, he knows that it might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. rest assured that he will not fuck it up. not for anything.

so here's to maturity. bon vayage to the boy that never grew up.

+listening to: nothing

» Read the Full Post of " all them traits "...