mind in a mess

i took the last bus home from boon lay interchange and ended up oversleeping. just spent 45 minutes walking home and finally got back at 1.15am. why are things so screwed up.

when i got home there was a letter waiting for me. my failure to conform to required standards had resulted in serious consequences for next semester. it's all down to the TGPA (technical gpa) argh... i guess i really screwed up the ECE classes last semester. this is a failure of epic proportions and it's nobody's fault but mine. this holiday shall be devoted to turning my life around, because i refuse to give up.

hence begins a new journey and another challenge to overcome. suddenly my purposeless holiday had a jolt of life injected into it. there's something to work towards again. all i ask is that you look upon me with the same gaze as before, or maybe include me in your prayers no matter your faith, if you like.

i believe that the greatest failure is when you fall down and you stay down. and there's no way i'm staying down.

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FUUUUCCCK

i have not wanted to punch through something for a long time
i want to say to you i told you so and you didn't listen
i want to be angry
but i dunno if it's justified
i can only blame myself
for not going at you hard enough
for not being a bigger asshole

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...

my worst fears were realised all at once today.

i'm not afraid anymore.

i'm sorry ____ , ____ & ____ and anyone else who believed in me,

i fucked up.

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Failure to Succeed

"Every rejection is incremental payment on your dues that in some way will be translated back into your work."

Those are the words of James Lee Burke. Life presents itself in such a myriad of unexplainable mysteries. Rejection is one of those hard to take ones. No one likes rejection yet it happens everyday. i also remember this saying from the movie "Million Dollar Baby" where someone said "It's okay to lose a fight..." i guess this would be a test for me, to overcome the million other adversities to come in life.

Yes i did not get what i wanted. I am genuinely disappointed, because i've worked hard towards it and never got the chance to feel what it is like. but that doesn't stop me from carrying on in my pursuit of what i want. this would be the right time to pick myself up and keep walking. 自强不息

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the hard life

5 days to the blocks... oh well there's the obstacles in life that we have to overcome. this holiday is about the most boring holiday i've ever had. and honestly speaking i've never really studied hard this whole time. i can't force myself to study, even if i sit at a desk for hours, i'd be jus wasting time and my mind would inevitably wonder elsewhere...

i'm in dire need of freedom, but at the present i'm not having any of it. lucky me there's still the world cup that keeps my spirits alive, but i'm kinda worried as to how i would make it thru the june holidays next year alive though.

right now there's this huge gang bang going on outside my place jus downstairs on the field, some sort of soccer tornaments. there's like a million kids, well not exactly, more like youths jus playing their ass off, and in the process making a lot of noise. i can't really focus, guess i'll jus have to wait till after dinner, where i have some quiet time to really site down and do some work.

time is running out and my mind is still a blank slate, i'm really scared this time, scared of failure. i hate failures, it makes me feel inferior. i haven't really felt inferior in a long time, i guess i'll jus have to deal with it. i really wanna get out, to go experience the world, but i sort of know that i have to conquer myself first, that is true character - the mark of a man.

seize the day i heard him say, life won't always be this way. look around, hear the sounds, cherish your life while you're still around... carpe diem

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