i can't remember when was the last time i felt anger. just anger.
why do people always assume the worst in others?
i guess it's my own fault. it's always gonna be my fault.
sometimes words are not just words. they hurt like hell.
+listening to: nothing
Monday, February 28
Sunday, February 27
| toast |  |
another saturday night spent wondering about the twists and turns in this journey, looking for an escape. the mirror in my room affords little comfort - a gentle reminder that what's staring back will always be the expression of a predicament.
so i watched toast, to stop myself from thinking. biographical type of films always bring back early childhood memories that were buried deep within the crevices of my head, unexpected recollections that often surprise me. the theme of family plays strong, and it made me think about mine. i'm afraid that is one facet i'll come to regret years later. maybe it's my general inability to maintain any sort of relationships with other people. i feel safer being withdrawn, i prefer writing to speaking. and 20 or so years later, i'm still trying to overcome that fear. i don't even know where it's coming from.
morning passed in a blur browsing through accounts and images of the christchurch earthquake, and feeling a general sense of dismay. the mood of the day has been set, and just like the weather, it's in a shade of grey. somber and restrained.
so i'm back right where i started, with a million things on my mind.
+listening to: trainman by coyote grace
Friday, February 25
| check it | |
my little dabble into content publishing, all original photos and writing.
if you'd like to read the entire article, go to here:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/21171892/neutral_cycle.pdf
+listening to: nothing
Sunday, February 20
| 憧憬 | |
不知为什么，最近的路走得很不顺畅。不是自己疏忽惹来的遭难，就是他人的大意而造成的不幸。风吹浪起，随波浮沉，我内心一直不能平静。周六晚，独自一人在家难免一丝寂寞。这种寂寞不是向往与他人相处的寂寞，而是面对未知和无奈而产生的一种情感。整个屋子一声动静也没有，只听到厨房的水龙头偶尔的喧哗：“嗒，嗒，嗒”。我尝试着咬牙继续在键盘上敲打，可是我显然知道屏幕上显示出来的终究将是一堆废话。父亲发来的邮件，孤单的被我遗弃在邮箱里。我没有勇气把它打开，因为我不想流泪，不想自疚。所以我选择了沉默，可沉默并且只是一种临时的解脱。
内心的波折无法平静，我又再一次回顾了我最喜欢的电影之一，带我去远方。大家都有对于未来的憧憬，而我似乎从来都没有想过。我从来都没有潜藏过什么对生活的完美理念，只求个人的自由和一种根本上朴实，平平凡凡的一生。我不向往奢华，也不求任何惊喜，因为生命中的很多被众人所忽略的小节足以让我惊讶不已。就好像电影中所说的那个南太平洋上的色盲岛，可能这个世界上会有那样的一个地方，会给我带来无限的欣慰。
从小到大，我好像从来都没有一种家的感觉。对我来说家就是下一个要搬去的目的地。所以我一直都对着自己保留着一个秘密：那就是将来的一天我会离开这里，到一个不会感到寂寞，也不会被人当作异类的自由天堂。可事到如今，我也不确定了。至此，我只能这样走下去了，不知走向何方。我只知道我要去的方向就是最远的那个方向，哪怕山穷水尽，哪怕前路迷茫。
+listening to: nothing
| * | |
waiting on an angel, one to carry me home. hope you come to see me soon, cause i don't want to go alone.
i don't want to go alone.
land of the free they say, where art thee. feels like voluntary slavery, bird in an open cage.
the yearning never been stronger, and the walls taller. if the cage is open why don't i just fly away.
+listening to: nothing
Thursday, February 17
| pass me by | |
this week is really forgettable. please pass me by.
the weather is warming up and i need to put in some miles in the legs. dreams of endless miles of county roads and tunes in my ears. looking at all the breath taking pictures on my desktop isn't helping either.
+listening to: songs by coyote grace
Saturday, February 12
| carryology | |
in the age of the pre-industrialized world, a man was judged by how much he could carry on a horseback getting from point a to point b. fast forward to the modern day, it's just me and my ride, with the pony out of the equation, and me possessing exactly the horsepower of 1.
the task at hand: getting from the house to the ups store on kirby ave.
round trip distance: 7.2 miles.
but before i could set off, there were some stuff i needed to figure out, like how to fit all these crap into my bag.
checklist:
- package
- u-lock + cable
- wallet
- spare tube
- 15mm wrench
- multi-tool
- pump
- extra sweater
and this is the end result:
the cell phone is for size comparison.
putting my foot down along kirby is like smearing butter over your croissant - so damn smooth, but the experience was somewhat marred by the fact that i had to battle all the traffic from the saturday morning brunch crowd. it was as if everyone was headed to panera bread next to the ups store, i kid you not. and i think i looked a tad ridiculous with my white wayfarers and an oversized messenger bag on my back, but that's how i roll son.
and of course some stats for the trip:
total time: 31:43
total distance travelled: 7.02 miles
average speed: 13.3 mph
max speed: 24.6 mph
the legs feel awesome, and i finally got to ride mon vélo!
+listening to: nothing
Friday, February 11
| master and apprentice | |
this man is one of the reasons i still bother to drag my ass out of bed every morning. he's a beautiful man, i simply don't know how to describe him otherwise. hopefully one day i'll get to ride a frame built by him, one weld at a time in his little workshop. and then i could die happy.
i've been waiting for this issue of Rouleur to show up in the mailbox forever and damn, it's worth every second of the wait. for it features not only Nagasawa but his master Ugo De Rosa.
just to give you an idea, here's my favorite quote from the feature: When Nagasawa inquired how he should go about building a frame for Eddy Merckx for that year's Giro d'Italia, De Rosa simply replied, "Like an offering to a god".
wowzer.
+listening to: nothing
Wednesday, February 9
| killing time | |
theme of the week: endless lab reports. an exercize in back-to-back sleep deprivation. come to think of it, this might become the permanent modus operandi for the rest of the semester.
the only thing worth killing, be killing time and the only soul worth saving now be saving mine.
it does not help one bit that the weather is completely fucked.
i NEED to ride mon vélo.
+listening to: machine gun man by zakk wylde
Sunday, February 6
| zzz | |
left my lab notebook in the photocopying machine at grainger on thursday.and now it's gone. it's not in the machine, neither has anyone turned it in to the front desk. argh it's got all my experimental data in it. it also has my phone number, email and address, but so far no one has tried contacting me.
really hope the person realize that he can't just tear out the pages and use it for his lab cause all the pages are numbered. and if he decides to use it as scratch paper or something, then... i've nothing more to say but damn son that's some loving expensive scratch paper you've got there.
sigh.
+listening to: nothing
Thursday, February 3
| found | |
12 hours of school is not fun. hope i'll never have to do this again, ever.
on a side note, i think i've found my favorite brew for now. sam adams noble pils. this is one brew where you can taste the hops partying in the bottle. so refreshing on a winter night, with a square of bitter chocolate. it just gently reminds you that spring is not that far away.
ahhh...
+listening to: nothing
Wednesday, February 2
| winter birds | |
the chill was somehow negated by the presence of some good company. thursday doesn't sound that bad anymore.
it's new years eve. mom and pop are probably having a huge feast as i plunge myself into the depth of a bunch of monotonous words. meaningless banter which somehow i have to make them sound as if they actually make sense.
snowed in, no way to ride. it's hard to make sense of my being when i stop pedaling. i don't think many people get that. i feel at ease, at peace with who i am on the bike. because it's just me and my machine. when i stop, my machine stops too. we're truly one with each other, which no human relationship so far has come close, yet. maybe i'm too much of an idealist in that department. maybe someone just like me exists only in my head. or maybe i'm just looking for someone who truly gets it.
weekends are the only things i look forward to now.
+listening to: nothing
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