when the night is no longer young, when things get quiet. what are we really thinking.
as hypocritical as it seems, i hate to see people around me cry. it's a stab straight to the heart, and the flashbacks of those helpless times just come pouring in. inundating the senses. it's not a position to be overlooked, because we are most vulnerable when we're feeling helpless, or hopeless. little gestures to show we care may eventually go a long way. i guess in some way everyone just need to know that someone actually gives a damn.
even so, seeing the sorrow deep within seemingly happy people irks me. it is the un-expectation that throws you off. for once i'm a spectator instead of the protagonist, but the pain is real all the same.
"it all looks fine to the naked eye, but it don't really happen that way at all..."
+listening to: naked eye by the who
Saturday, October 9
| quiet |  |
Sunday, July 4
| 4th of july | |
no fireworks, no fanfare. just a spirited stroll in the morning, a homely feeling at lunch, a tranquil bike ride in the afternoon, and a crisp beer and good music in the evening.
hold your own, know your name, and go your own way. and everything will be fine.
+listening to: details in the fabric by jason mraz
Saturday, June 5
| bon iver | |
i am listening to bon iver. i don't know what is it but his voice is like a magnet to my ears.
the weather is so unbelievably delicious: the afternoon sun peeking through the canopy of that un-named tree outside my window, occasionally with a dash of sky blue in the mix.
alright now. i'm going out on to the balcony to sip on an apple strawberry smoothy that i've just made.
c'est la vie.
+listening to: flume by bon iver
Sunday, April 25
| #453 | |
so i gave in to temptation because i really really wanted to watch kick ass. took a bus to the cinema, and then took a bus back. though i did feel kinda extra, the way that i just sort of tagged along for the movie, because i've always been taught never to show up uninvited. that's just the way i am brought up. people may not understand, but it's okay. a lot of times i feel like a one man island, because i don't think there's anyone out there who gets it, completely.
and i also refused a ride home from a friend's friend, because other than showing up unannounced in the first place, i don't want it to seem like i want to be friends just because you have a car or something else that would benefit me in some way. i want to be friends because i truly value your friendship. i want to be friends because it would mean a lot to me to be your friend. that's also partially the reason why i choose to always ride my bike. because i hate asking people for rides. maybe nobody would ever understand me, but that's perfectly okay too. i just don't believe in compromising character. i won't say if it is right or wrong, people can make their judgments. i just believe in always staying true to myself and being genuine. and maybe hoping to feel those rare moments of sincerity and kindness peering back at me. i am a person who NEEDS to sense that camaraderie in a world around me that's filled with friends with benefits, materialism/consumerism, hypocrisy, etc. etc. the human connection in the most basic sense is what keeps me going.
i said before that i would ride to the cinema, but after 50 miles or so in the morning i'm kinda saddle sore. my legs are fine but sitting on the saddle for another hour would be really uncomfortable to say the least. well there's always next time.
riding fixed gear is not just a fashion or a trend. it's not about the rolled up jeans, or cut off shorts. or the janitor keychain thing, or the mini ulock in the back pocket. it's about not buying upgrades, but riding up grades. it's about walking in the shoes of the countless many hinault's, coppi's, indurain's, merckx's and the constant pedaling, not stopping, knowing you have to go through the next intersection, and the one after that. it's also about appreciation of beauty, knowing the difference between braze-ons and lugs. i'd like to think it's pure, i'd like to think i'm a purist in many ways. but maybe i'm just idealizing things.
i've always aspired to ride like emi from mash. but then again, no one rides like emi, no one even comes close:
+listening to: i'm your captain by grand funk railroad
Thursday, April 15
| just | |
looks like dinner is going to be soup again. this week needs to pass me by quickly, so does the next, and the next...
sometimes i wished that i knew what i needed to do to get rewarded with some good karma. trying to treat everyone with the best of intentions, and all the things i thought i've done right, i don't know.
i desperately need a summer job now that the end of the semester is approaching. and i can't seem to find one. i've looked everywhere. any job will do. i just need to save up a little bit of money to fulfill a dream come next summer. the thought of the dream being so close, yet having to miss out on it depresses me.
i really want this. and i just need a little luck. please listen.
and RIP to the 29 miners who died in wv. hard working men and women deserve to be remembered too, not just shannon hoon and kurt kobain.
+listening to: the spirit carries on by dream theater
Monday, April 12
| the life we're in | |
i have just come to the sudden realization that this year marks the 4th decade i have been on this planet: the roaring 80's, the forgettable 90's, the geeky 00's and now the 10's.
spent a very relaxing hour this afternoon on the quad having a nice conversation about life in general. where we have been, where we are going. i really relish opportunities like this. to do nothing but sit down and talk. wish i had more time though, but the lab was beckoning. so i had to hastily say goodbye.
i'm just coming to terms with what is in front of me and what is not. i'm thankful for what is here and available. and i hope all the troubled souls find some peace no matter how insignificant and sleep soundly tonight. there's been too much tears shed and too many hearts broken.
+listening to: soulshine by gov't mule
Thursday, April 8
Sunday, April 4
| tough week ahead | |
i love long rides and conversations. somehow the idea of being squished into a tin can and talking just seem befitting. maybe it's because i don't get a chance to have a conversation very often.
woke up feeling worse than i felt last night. the headache is still there. i suspect it could be a minor case of concussion, because the symptoms are similar to the last time i got one, just not as intense. but the prospect of everything happening next week makes me a little weary. and the inevitable train of what happens next ensues, and then...
but i'm constantly reminding myself to take it one day at a time. one day at a time
+listening to: pay for what you get by dave matthews band
Tuesday, March 30
| time | |
lab 10 was a surprise. probably the hardest and most time consuming lab so far. and after about 2 hours of tinkering around with the code, IT ALL WORKED. flawlessly. the all nighter last night wasn't wasted at all even if it meant i now feel like death. fever, cough, headache and general fatigue has turned me into a walking ball of mess in the morning, and now a stranded log on my bed. but i wanted to write all these down less i forget.
the feeling of completing a project successfully in 1 week instead of the 2 week time frame, plus the added bonus of being the only group in my lab session to be done with it and walking out early gave me a sense of peace. like i did something right. but i have really got my lab partner steve to thank for.
all that aside, the only reason i'm not falling into a deep sleep even when i feel like death is that rugby season is starting today, the a division nationals. to me it ranks above the world cup, the tri nations, the six nations and any other championships. because it is so real you can reach out and touch it. and feel your heart racing.
i have played with these boys, taught them a thing or two i knew. and... they give me hope. like their predecessors, and their predecessors. i saw a facebook status today "let's make a stand. as a team." and i knew they are ready. time to put on those boots and get some blood on those faces and mud under the fingernails. hooooah!
+listening to: 10,000 motherfuckers by jason mraz
Monday, March 29
Friday, March 26
| #434 | |
seeing my friends around me happy brings me an indescribable sense of joy and satisfaction. it's like food for the soul.
a serious man didn't go down too well with the general audience. i guess i saw that coming. it was very personal for me. at least i felt a strong connection with the protagonist in that film. i felt like the questions were that of my own. the reality of things. of everything. it's depressing and agonizing on a daily basis.
reality. time to wake up again. this week was surreal. time to put all these good memories behind me and move on...
+listening to: soul to squeeze by red hot chili peppers
Sunday, March 21
| #432 | |
over dinner, listening to the conversations about "home", that same feeling hit me again. i want to feel like i belong somewhere, like a place that i could call home, among friends whom i can call brothers. i haven't felt any sense of belonging for a long time now. maybe for the past couple of days, but i know these are short lived. and once this week passes, everything would go back to the way it was.
a random comment about riding my bicycle got me. i can't recall what it was. i just remembered being very defensive. maybe i overreacted. maybe it was the state of mind i was in - the forlornness, the anxiety.
i wanted to shout out that it is true that i ride a bicycle because i can't afford a car. but it is also true that i love riding the bicycle. i don't just like riding my bicycle, i LOVE it. when i'm not riding my bicycle i feel like something is missing. the bicycle is a noble machine, it was around way before cars were invented and survives till today. modern bicycles are built with some of the most advanced materials man has invented and employ cutting edge aerodynamics and technology. in it's infancy, bicycles were called FREEDOM MACHINES because they empowered people with mobility and a reliable form of alternative personal transport. it also has zero emission, creates little noise pollution and is one of the best forms of exercise.
a part of me was dying to shout that all out. but i didn't. because i see a true friend in that person in front of me, a friend worth keeping for life. and only true friends can poke fun at each other freely without concerns for the person on the receiving end taking offense. that is what friends do to each other, and much more. sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
+listening to: dandelion by audioslave
Saturday, March 13
Monday, March 8
| renewed | |
a renewed sense of hope. even though when i look far beyond the horizon, it's still a whirlpool of dark waters, i'm just a little bit less weary, and a little bit less afraid.
because i know there will be people who'd back me up when i fall. and then i'd be able to claw back onto my feet and walk on.
if sadness is what happens when you turn your anger inwards, hope is what happens when you turn your happiness, outwards.
+listening to: i'll back you up by dave matthews
Saturday, March 6
| unofficial | |
i was debating pretty much from when i woke up if i should go to the unofficial party last night. by the time i got done with my ece 430 quiz at around 3, i pretty much made up my mind to not show up and just shut myself in my room.
but by 5 o'clock i couldn't take it anymore. it was the feeling of suffocation. and i feared that i might go into a downward spiral again. so by 8.30 i headed for 711 west elm with no expectations. i just wanted some beer and then get the fuck out.
but the night turned out much differently than i thought. instead of rampant binge drinking people were all pretty much mild and controlled. drinking "responsibly" if you will. so i just sat in the corner with jacob playing the guitar and hugging a couple coronas. occasionally joining in the silly games taking place in front of me. the bottle caps kept hitting the floor, 3, 4, 5... but in my head i was perfectly calm and clear.
it was peace that i haven't felt in days. i think playing music really makes me happy. no matter how fucked up things are, music had always seemed to be there. and i guess i've learned to not care so much about what people think anymore. and so i don't have to put up all the pretenses and just be me.
i'm a bad motherfucker. take it or leave it.
+listening to: jimi thing by dave matthews band
Wednesday, February 24
| the cycle | |
the cycle unfortunately always comes around on itself. what was meant to be a victory somewhat has turned into yet another mishap in a series of tragedies. catastrophe some might even say. i'm too tired to be angry at myself. i've been awake for the last 18 hours. i gave it my best shot. but my best shot came up short yet again.
it's just starting to sink in. the hurt. i remembered how it felt. that's why i did all i can not to feel it again. the initial excitement of completing it is all but gone. sigh.
but today was not a complete waste. i got a reply on facebook. i'm relieved that my words did what it was intended and lifted up a person's spirit. maybe i have a gift with words. but then again it's a double edged sword. more often than not those rationalities hurt myself even more.
i don't like being down. i try to be positive. but most of the time i'm a man of circumstances. nevertheless a very good friend once told me to "stay strong". just those two austere, unpretentious syllables. stay strong. and so i continue to struggle because i need to stay strong. and i smile in the face of uncertainty because i have to stay strong.
+listening to: nothing
Monday, February 22
| flashback | |
on my way home from everitt lab today, i walked by the vivarium as usual, with nothing in particular on my mind. and then for an instant it just hit.
the flashback, of childhood memories from years gone by. i can't even tell for sure how old i was. i just remember the neon lit streets and the fading light on the way home from school. i guess it had something to do with the time of day and the street lightings.
it's not so much of the memory as it is the feeling; that distant yet strangely familiar state of mind. tranquility amidst turbulence: tranquil because of the sense of kinship, turbulent as a result of the realization of detachment from reality, even if it's just for a split second. i've been getting more of these things recently for reasons unknown. i'm puzzled.
+listening to: kundalini bonfire by dave matthews & tim reynolds
Saturday, February 20
| , | |
woke up for the first time in many days with the feeling that the glass is half full. instead of the usual half-emptiness. i felt... hope.
last night was probably the best time i've had in a while by far. i can't even remember when's the last time i laughed so hard till my stomach ached. for that ephemeral but nonetheless serene few hours all the troubles went away. dropped facades. real joy. smiles all around.
i wanted to thank each and everyone who was there for no other reason just for being there. but then i thought it might come across as a little awkward. but then again i'm beginning to appreciate the tiniest things in life more than ever now. so if by the slightest chance any of you might be reading this, i want to say thank you. because i think you filled me with what seem like seeds of hope.
+listening to: neon by john mayer
Thursday, February 4
| first five-eighth | |
just found out that the six nations are starting this weekend. it seems like a long time since i thought or wrote about rugby. i'd forgotten how much i loved the game. how much i missed it.
i've been trying to find a way out, out of this present predicament i'm in. and i've been constantly questioning myself if i had what it takes. and then i forgot all those valuable lessons that i had learned, in those memorable 2 years and those unforgettable 7 months.
and then i realized that this had all along been a familiar situation, except this time i'm on a one-man team. nevertheless the goal remains the same: set out to win every game out there even though there's absolutely no chance of winning.
i'm scared. i'm always scared. i guess it is my way of telling myself that something is still on my mind. the moment i stopped being scared would be the instant that i decide to let go. i forgot how i managed those fears. i forgot how i shut them out and just focused.
it doesn't make sense that i'm always losing. but i've since learned that there's no shame in losing. what would be a shame is losing without giving fear a run for its money. i am the first five-eighth of my team. have been and always will be. like the charge of the light brigade into the valley of death i will follow my lead. to face myself.
can you see me now? i am myself.
rugby is a beautiful game wouldn't you say? in so many ways it mirrors this curious life we're in.
+listening to: typical situation by dave matthews band
Sunday, January 31
| thank you | |
the surprise at seeing her majesty's familiar portrait on the stamp again when i opened my mailbox was... hard to describe. it had a special meaning to me as a kid: it meant a letter from my dad. memories are a powerful thing. it was probably the best thing that happened to me all week, i really needed the boost. and i loved the picture, just thought you should know that i'm a sucker for black and white.
sometimes i feel protected and i don't know why.
maybe i do a little now?
thanks for the card. thank you. really.
+listening to: nothing
