it's christmas

christmas eve. a silent night spent in the most peaceful of fashions.

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rainy day in st louis

meet me in st louis oh meet me at the fair. pictures from the movie instantly gets played back in its fully glorified technicolor awesomeness. oh how i wish st louis would look like that.

forest park was the first stop for st louis. a day before christmas eve. it was almost deserted. save the two souls helplessly wandering around looking for that elusive art museum and the famous st louis zoo, there were hardly anyone in sight.

the world fair pavilion: nothing spectacular though it does exude a sense of grandeur, albeit falling a little short.

st louis art museum: dedicated to art and free to all. awesome.

st louis zoo: winter is a bad time to come. lots of animals are either hibernating or seem generally uninterested in being a zoo animal. a tad boring.

hopefully tomorrow would offer some much needed excitement. and good weather.


+listening to: nothing

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why

when people do nice things for me, all those kind words and gestures, they make me mad some times. because i don't deserve it.


+listening to: daughters by john mayer

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.

mr whiskey. i love you. there is something about that fire in my belly. it burns oh it burns. i pick you up, and you'd never miss a beat. it's lonely without you. i play my cards the best i can, but i lose my luck when you're not here.


+listening to: angel by dave matthews band

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shine on me

shine on me. shine on me. it makes no sense that i'm always losing.

i've worked too damn hard for all these to slip away.


i probably don't deserve a third chance. but if anything, this is it.


+listening to: quiet by john mayer

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the way out

i feel like a complete wreck. lost at sea.

everyone tells me it's going to be fine. i don't think you understand me.

all i need is a little understanding. and someone to point the way.


+listening to: angel from montgomery by dave matthews and tim reynolds

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miles of aisles

late night with joni mitchell. she might just be my beacon of light on a cold, cold night. it's hard to put it into words. i wish i could describe it to you now. i really do.

dark and twisted you need to leave me alone. my time has come.


+listening to: real good for free by joni mitchell

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discovery

for the longest time i've been wondering, why can't i get a grip on dream theater's new album. i mean i thought people said it was pretty amazing. some even said that the good ol' dream theater might be back. and today i finally realized why.


so here's what you have to do to get to that good stuff: buy the 3 cd special edition of dark clouds and silver linings (read: NOT the single disc version of album itself), then proceed to throw away the actual album disc, which is disc 1 in the 3 cd edition, and pop the other 2 bonus discs into your media player. voila! instant audio nirvana.

what an ingenius idea! it means only die-hard fans would even bother to get the 3 cd special edition and get to hear the real dream theater and the awesome awesome music that they can churn out. while all those new school wannabe prog metal kids who jumped on the band wagon in the past couple of years can go eat shit and die.

on a slightly different note, i've realized that i haven't bought a record in AGES. can't even remember when was the last time i bought one, probably before summer. the thing about this town is that there's no accessible record shops that you could delve in and just have hours and hours of browsing fun like i used to do at the gramophone shop at peninsula plaza. and no, don't even start with barnes and noble or best buy. the times when i'd skip lunch/recess just to buy a cd by one of my favorite artistes are gone, but those memories are sure as hell sweet as can be.


+listening to: odyssey by dream theater

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melancholy

i've always thought that melancholia was a justification i came up with for being "emo". there were definitely those truly "emo" times where tears were shed and spirits were dampened, but mostly of the time i think i hang in the balance between the two extremes of the human emotions. walking a fine line, struggling between the polarities of consciousness.

melancholia is "turbulent", while depression is "passive". i think that's what i've always been trying to explain to myself and others.

what prompted me to these thoughts was this book that i fortuitously chanced upon entitled against happiness. kind of a counter intuitive title, but i adore it. i don't have a copy but i'm quite aware of what the author wants to put across - an expose into melancholia.


and it's also not surprising that some of the most creative works of our times were composed when the artistes have immersed themselves in this strange and ambivalent state of emotion.

time to put it on the christmas wishlist.



+listening to: woman of heart and mind by joni mitchell

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the attack, the break away

the hell officially starts. it's hard to sink your teeth into. you're still a bit numb. but there's no time to look back because it would only make you feel ever so lonely.

there's a million people ahead of you, summits after summits to scale. set yourself up to make one pass at a time. and then when you see the opening, attack. attack like you lived for it, savor the pain in your legs. suffer more. the break away would come eventually, after the suffering. but for now there's only one place to set your sights upon:

beyond the peloton, far beyond the peloton.


+listening to: edge of desire by john mayer

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waiting on tomorrow

they say that tomorrow'll always be better. i hope, i pray.

i wish you could hear what i'm hearing right now, because it is the sweetest sound in the world.

day light is climbing the walls
cars start, feet walk the halls
the world awakes, and now i'll be safe
at least in the light of day


+listening to: nothing

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just me now

i've come to realize that i can't depend on anyone but myself. been too naive.

kindness gets abused and trampled on. good intentions get taken for granted.

it's just me and my music now. me and my music now.


+listening to: quiet by john mayer

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the dream/the not

i had a dream last night. i don't know what triggered it. it was the vivid pictures of dad bringing home a hedgehog from the market. i was maybe 4 years old.

he said that they were going to kill and eat it if he hadn't bought it and brought it home. i remember a sick feeling in my stomach. it was wounded too, limping on one leg, struggling, running. and there was my very first pet. i've always told people i've never had any pets. i just forgot about the little hedgehog.

... i don't think it's a dream though. because i remember now.


+listening to: edge of desire by john mayer

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