hmm

just got an invite from a friend to go to rugby practice. who'd have known he was on the team? totally out of the blue. to go or not to go... that is the question.

maybe it's a sign. telling me that i should do something about my life. and not just keep waiting on things to happen.

+listening to: nothing

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don't you...

Don't you be a passerby
Oh don't won't you sit down
And stay a while...
Cause it's been too long since you been around

+listening to: passerby by dispatch

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the sweetness

every time i eat a baked sweet potato, i think about my grandma. it scares me how vivid those memories still are in my head. i must have been 5 or 6 years old, huddled around a charcoal pit, on a chilly fall day waiting for those ash strewn globules of deliciousness to cook. somehow my grandma would always know when they're done, perhaps wisdom that comes along with old age.

it's kind of funny how our earliest and most vivid memories are always about food. and we never grow out of what we grew up eating. the comfort food of our past, it does more than just quell our belly-aching, i'd like to think it warms our soul.

maybe it is not the food itself that triggers a response in our emotions. that is not to say that they are not tasty, just that maybe it is something else, a sweetness associated with other things surrounding the idea of the food we ingest. perhaps the process of making them, or maybe the people we're with while we consumed them.

i just wanted to write this down before i forget, and until the next time i decide to bake myself another sweet potato, which would almost certainly be sooner than later.

+listening to: nothing

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be all you can be

just told someone very dear to me to "go for it and follow you dreams".

hope i'm not being the biggest hypocrite in the world. but i really wished someone had told me that before.

+listening to: outloud by dispatch

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i've learnt

not to get too emotionally attached to people, objects, events. because whatever it is, it can only be ephemeral. they come and go, but i'll always be here. so if i appear distant and unfathomable, i apologize. it's not intentional, it's just me habitually ridding myself of feelings.

feeling nothing is always infinitely better than feeling depressed.

confiding in your buddies is always a challenge. it is the self doubt that is most agonizing - not knowing if they'd be ok with what you say, not knowing if they'd look/talk to you the same way after hearing you out.

it's always the not knowing isn't it? well i know now. that there's at least still 2 people in this world that i can talk to with an absolute peace of mind, and just be who i am. i'm really really grateful.

it's like an angel from montgomery, a much needed reprieve from the predicament i'm in.

+listening to: riddle by dispatch

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fallin'

suddenly i feel like i don't know what is going on anymore. everything is falling apart. it's like i've hit a speed bump again. and this bump has been rough on me. that sick feeling from a year ago is creeping up. i can feel it breathing down my neck. don't ever wanna feel that way again, then again sometimes, some things are just beyond our control.

+listening to: nothing

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help me through the night

i really need something more to get through the night this time.

that bottle on my bookshelf looks awfully tempting at this hour. but i stop myself, because i need to get on with it, there is no room for a lapse in judgement. wish someone would tell me in the face that i can do this.

oh mr. john daniels when will you let me off the hook.

+listening to: nothing

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