baby don't cry. baby don't cry.
+listening to: the weary kind by ryan bingham
Saturday, February 27
Friday, February 26
| i don't know |  |
went on another ride to nowhere. just endless pedal, pedal, pedal. little red bird in my ears, neon red and green streaking past my eyes. void. i tried to recall the good times. can't seem to remember any. maybe that's why i like riding my bike so much. so i don't have to think. and time just halts...
back to square one...
when the first drops hit your lips, it's insatiably saccharine, then after a few more rounds it starts to go south. and then you think, there's got to be something wrong when you're just sitting here sobbing... there's got to be something wrong. i'm tired of fighting it alone...
little red bird under a chair
waiting for the crumbs to fall
daddy said "get a job"
don't you see, daddy,
waiting for the crumbs to fall
daddy said "get a job"
don't you see, daddy,
how good i am at catching crumbs?
guns and gods and little red birds
guns and gods and little red birds
guns and gods and little red birds
guns and gods and little red birds
comfort to count the battles won after the war is lost
if there was a place hidden in the stars
reflected on heaven's graces
if god had an honest face
reflected on heaven's graces
if god had an honest face
a troubled expression would be watching the human race
can't you see? i'm the little red bird.
+listening to: nothing
| a man for every man | |
a man for every man. it's an expression i heard when i was watching a george hincapie documentary. that's the phrase they used to describe him. it resonated deeply within me. something just stirred inside that i can't quite describe. because i think a part of me wants to become a person like that. not every man for himself, but a man for every man.
+listening to: little red bird by dave matthews band
Thursday, February 25
| the absconded sessions | |
take a listen. but be warned: it's very raw.
you'll need flash player.
driving through the desert i met a man
who told me of his crazy plan
he’d been walking there for 20 days
he was gonna walk on for 20 more
i said, “how ‘bout a drink or a bite to eat”
he said, “no, my faith is all i need”
so then, save me, save me
mister walking man, if you can
you don’t need to prove a thing to me
just give me faith make me believe
c’mon save me, save me
mister walking man, if you can
c’mon save me, save me
i said, “stranger if you please”
save me, save me
stranger if you please
or am i too far gone?
i said, “to get back home”
+listening to: nothing
Wednesday, February 24
| the cycle | |
the cycle unfortunately always comes around on itself. what was meant to be a victory somewhat has turned into yet another mishap in a series of tragedies. catastrophe some might even say. i'm too tired to be angry at myself. i've been awake for the last 18 hours. i gave it my best shot. but my best shot came up short yet again.
it's just starting to sink in. the hurt. i remembered how it felt. that's why i did all i can not to feel it again. the initial excitement of completing it is all but gone. sigh.
but today was not a complete waste. i got a reply on facebook. i'm relieved that my words did what it was intended and lifted up a person's spirit. maybe i have a gift with words. but then again it's a double edged sword. more often than not those rationalities hurt myself even more.
i don't like being down. i try to be positive. but most of the time i'm a man of circumstances. nevertheless a very good friend once told me to "stay strong". just those two austere, unpretentious syllables. stay strong. and so i continue to struggle because i need to stay strong. and i smile in the face of uncertainty because i have to stay strong.
+listening to: nothing
| again | |
six numbers, one more to dial, before I'm before you. I tried to call, been busy all night, gave up waiting at daylight.
it's a familiar situation: i'm here. 4am. quiet. where's the break of dawn? am deeply disturbed about a friend in distress. seems like it's never been this bad and it's troubling me. i want to help but i don't know how, yet i feel indebted because the support and encouragement i got from this friend meant the world when i was in a pit.
what do i do. fuck.
+listening to: man on the side by john mayer
Monday, February 22
| flashback | |
on my way home from everitt lab today, i walked by the vivarium as usual, with nothing in particular on my mind. and then for an instant it just hit.
the flashback, of childhood memories from years gone by. i can't even tell for sure how old i was. i just remember the neon lit streets and the fading light on the way home from school. i guess it had something to do with the time of day and the street lightings.
it's not so much of the memory as it is the feeling; that distant yet strangely familiar state of mind. tranquility amidst turbulence: tranquil because of the sense of kinship, turbulent as a result of the realization of detachment from reality, even if it's just for a split second. i've been getting more of these things recently for reasons unknown. i'm puzzled.
+listening to: kundalini bonfire by dave matthews & tim reynolds
Sunday, February 21
| new music | |
dave matthews and tim reynolds live in las vegas. been waiting on that one for a while. i can't get enough of the duo. there's something about the chemistry of those two, and the earnestness of relying solely on acoustic instruments without any embellishments. it's... down to earth. in its rawest form.
sat down to finally learn some new music today. and i found out that playing guitar calms me down. when i feel the anxiety, i just need to pick up the guitar and pluck a tune or two. almost an instant sense of peace.
i present to you: justin king. this is a real piece or work. it's gonna take me a WHILE to learn this.
+listening to: kashmir by dave matthews & tim reynolds
Saturday, February 20
| , | |
woke up for the first time in many days with the feeling that the glass is half full. instead of the usual half-emptiness. i felt... hope.
last night was probably the best time i've had in a while by far. i can't even remember when's the last time i laughed so hard till my stomach ached. for that ephemeral but nonetheless serene few hours all the troubles went away. dropped facades. real joy. smiles all around.
i wanted to thank each and everyone who was there for no other reason just for being there. but then i thought it might come across as a little awkward. but then again i'm beginning to appreciate the tiniest things in life more than ever now. so if by the slightest chance any of you might be reading this, i want to say thank you. because i think you filled me with what seem like seeds of hope.
+listening to: neon by john mayer
Friday, February 19
| ^ | |
i've contemplated over whether i should go to sunday's dinner. it's been bugging me for a few days now.
i imagined a sober awakening, a re-entry into the social scene. then i imagined the looks, the questions without answers. and then i thought... screw it.
i'm too tired to care about what people think. and i'm tired of lying. they can go on ahead and think what they like. i'm me.
and i feel horrible for having to say no to darren time after time. he's trying hard to put a team together for midwestern games. so i think i'll go for football on sunday for the first time in many months, even if i'm not gonna be at midwestern games.
another quiz in 10 min. i feel sick to my stomach.
+listening to: nothing
Thursday, February 18
| what am i doing wrong | |
nothing feels quite as depressing than coming up short of your intended target. i knew as soon as i walked out of that room.
all the preparation and practices in the world didn't make it better. i thought i had everything. i thought i could finally stare that monster in the face and conquer it. all it took was one slip up. and panic sets in at the very last moment. it seems like nothing i do is ever good enough.
gone. just like that. i'm beat. tired. angry. at myself. i wish i would never have to wake up and face this error of a disproportionate magnitude, just slip into the depth of my desolation. there's no one to blame but me.
+listening to: nothing
Wednesday, February 17
| my love song for no one | |
here's one of mine, hope it speaks to you in one way or another:
It's a wayward journey
that has no end
We hitch a ride from where-
ever we can
The winding road - oh
seems endless ahead
Sanctuary for the
homeless man
Sanctity to a
helpless friend
Your thumb never strays
from the northern sky
Walking: christmas, st. patrick's
dreams of pumpkin pies
The hymns that you sing for
the scorned and fallen
Sanctuary from an
ill reprise
Sanctity to a
hopeless plight
Like the Muir's and the Edwards's
the McCandless's before
You hit the road to answer
that whispering call
Death of the innocent spells
poetry of the damned
Sanctuary for the
forever lost
Sanctity to a
bygone cause
that's it for now, i'm never too good at happy endings...
+listening to: nothing
Tuesday, February 16
Monday, February 15
| 雪 | |
正月初二，大雪。
冬天因该是个浪漫与充满温暖的季节。之所以如此是因为白雪给人们带来的是一种纯洁与温馨的感觉。而也是每当冬季，一家老少都会聚在一起过新年，吃团圆饭。
这也是为什么冬季恋歌那部电视剧会那么流行；它赋予人们的是一种企望，一种向往： 等待春天的到来，而同时又沉浸在冬季的含蓄。那是一种无法用语言来概括的境界。
每当下雪，我都会想家。如今在这异国他乡的我更是如此。我猜是因为儿时的记忆在我的脑海里留下了深深地烙印，至今不忘。我还记得小时候很少看到雪。所以遇到下雪时我都会惊叹不已，等不及的拉着爸爸和我一起出门打雪仗。那时的欢笑，天真已荡然无存了。可这美好的记忆在今日还是会让我感觉到一丝温热。
那已是很久以前的事了。我也很久没有感受到温馨的滋味了。雪。你别来无恙。你将永远陪伴着我，潜伏在我的脑海深处。
+listening to: in the flesh by dream theater
Sunday, February 14
| words | |
The Eloquent Sounds of Silence
an old time article that i found. i quite liked it. here's an excerpt:
Silence, then, could be said to be the ultimate province of trust: it is the place where we trust ourselves to be alone; where we trust others to understand the things we do not say; where we trust a higher harmony to assert itself. We all know how treacherous are words, and how often we use them to paper over embarrassment, or emptiness, or fear of the larger spaces that silence brings. "Words, words, words" commit us to positions we do not really hold, the imperatives of chatter; words are what we use for lies, false promises and gossip. We babble with strangers; with intimates we can be silent. We "make conversation" when we are at a loss; we unmake it when we are alone, or with those so close to us that we can afford to be alone with them.
+listening to: at last by kevin michael
Saturday, February 13
| home | |
home. finally logged in to skype and called home. spoke for quite a while. a sigh of relief and a sense of comfort.
and dinner was nice. contemplated if i should. glad i did. haven't eaten out in a long time, a welcoming change to the monotony. and it also made me realize that maybe there are still friends who care. it's a warm feeling on a cold night.
+listening to: nothing
| missing | |
feb 13. clear. lately i've been seeing the world in streams of consciousness. it's like one of those dreams where the lapse of time is obscured. and you don't really remember when you'd fallen into the slumber.
for the first time i can recall, i'm desperately missing home. and all my good friends. it doesn't seem to make sense that all the good things have to come to an end. all i have to hold on to now are picture albums and birthday cards. the more i look at them the harder it is to put it away.
tomorrow i'll be a year wiser. new year's never used to mean anything to me. i've only just realized that you really only start to cherish something when you no longer have it.
my grandma would always tell me to make a wish on new year's eve. so i wish not for fortune or fame. but just a little bit of hope. and something nice to happen. anything to lift me out of this shade of gray that's all around...
+listening to: somebody to love by jefferson airplane
Friday, February 12
Monday, February 8
| ... | |
listen:
this is exactly how i'm feeling at this instant. it's like i'm digging myself further and further into the deep end. when that last drop of forget-it-all from the glass empties, then what?
Where all these worries
wear down on me will rise,
Where all these habits
pull heavy at my heart will die...+listening to: digging a ditch by dave matthews band
Sunday, February 7
Saturday, February 6
Friday, February 5
| ~ | |
dear mr tesla,
i revere your work and all that you have done in the field of power and electricity for the good of all mankind. and i'm proud to say that the fields related to those that you have set the ground rules for are some of the few remaining subjects in this world that still gives me great pleasure in learning.
your idea of the 3-phase balanced transmission system is indeed an ingenious one. one which i had spent hours analyzing and continue to be fascinated by.
however i have let you down on this grave day, on which i thought i had all the knowledge and expertise on that particular subject. quite apparently i was mistaken. because when i saw the problem in front of my eyes i thought i knew intrinsically how to attack it. but the more i tried, the worse i faltered. and before i had the time to figure it out. time ran out.
i have failed you miserably. i'm sorry.
yours sincerely,
gd4nutin
+listening to: nothing
Thursday, February 4
| first five-eighth | |
just found out that the six nations are starting this weekend. it seems like a long time since i thought or wrote about rugby. i'd forgotten how much i loved the game. how much i missed it.
i've been trying to find a way out, out of this present predicament i'm in. and i've been constantly questioning myself if i had what it takes. and then i forgot all those valuable lessons that i had learned, in those memorable 2 years and those unforgettable 7 months.
and then i realized that this had all along been a familiar situation, except this time i'm on a one-man team. nevertheless the goal remains the same: set out to win every game out there even though there's absolutely no chance of winning.
i'm scared. i'm always scared. i guess it is my way of telling myself that something is still on my mind. the moment i stopped being scared would be the instant that i decide to let go. i forgot how i managed those fears. i forgot how i shut them out and just focused.
it doesn't make sense that i'm always losing. but i've since learned that there's no shame in losing. what would be a shame is losing without giving fear a run for its money. i am the first five-eighth of my team. have been and always will be. like the charge of the light brigade into the valley of death i will follow my lead. to face myself.
can you see me now? i am myself.
rugby is a beautiful game wouldn't you say? in so many ways it mirrors this curious life we're in.
+listening to: typical situation by dave matthews band
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