by a sheer stroke of luck i chanced upon these. this was like less than 24 hrs ago. fresh.
nice one lah ron
where the f is hugo?
+listening to: nothing
Wednesday, March 31
Tuesday, March 30
| time |  |
lab 10 was a surprise. probably the hardest and most time consuming lab so far. and after about 2 hours of tinkering around with the code, IT ALL WORKED. flawlessly. the all nighter last night wasn't wasted at all even if it meant i now feel like death. fever, cough, headache and general fatigue has turned me into a walking ball of mess in the morning, and now a stranded log on my bed. but i wanted to write all these down less i forget.
the feeling of completing a project successfully in 1 week instead of the 2 week time frame, plus the added bonus of being the only group in my lab session to be done with it and walking out early gave me a sense of peace. like i did something right. but i have really got my lab partner steve to thank for.
all that aside, the only reason i'm not falling into a deep sleep even when i feel like death is that rugby season is starting today, the a division nationals. to me it ranks above the world cup, the tri nations, the six nations and any other championships. because it is so real you can reach out and touch it. and feel your heart racing.
i have played with these boys, taught them a thing or two i knew. and... they give me hope. like their predecessors, and their predecessors. i saw a facebook status today "let's make a stand. as a team." and i knew they are ready. time to put on those boots and get some blood on those faces and mud under the fingernails. hooooah!
+listening to: 10,000 motherfuckers by jason mraz
Monday, March 29
Sunday, March 28
| #435 | |
i'm scared of the reality, of the feeling of being lost. and then i make decisions based on that to shield myself from that empty feeling.
learning to move on, even if it means choosing not to do something fun like floorball to avoid the low afterwards that would inevitably put me into another slumber.
and then cupcakes... didn't know what people were talking about because i wasn't there. i was never a part of anything. the feeling of an outsider, nothing to talk about. silence. home.
and i wish people would stop fucking cracking jokes about me and my bike. i fucking hate it. but that's not gonna happen is it. as long as i ride there's jokes to be made. and i'd never stop riding.
+listening to: conversation with myself by jason mraz
Friday, March 26
| #434 | |
seeing my friends around me happy brings me an indescribable sense of joy and satisfaction. it's like food for the soul.
a serious man didn't go down too well with the general audience. i guess i saw that coming. it was very personal for me. at least i felt a strong connection with the protagonist in that film. i felt like the questions were that of my own. the reality of things. of everything. it's depressing and agonizing on a daily basis.
reality. time to wake up again. this week was surreal. time to put all these good memories behind me and move on...
+listening to: soul to squeeze by red hot chili peppers
Wednesday, March 24
Sunday, March 21
| #432 | |
over dinner, listening to the conversations about "home", that same feeling hit me again. i want to feel like i belong somewhere, like a place that i could call home, among friends whom i can call brothers. i haven't felt any sense of belonging for a long time now. maybe for the past couple of days, but i know these are short lived. and once this week passes, everything would go back to the way it was.
a random comment about riding my bicycle got me. i can't recall what it was. i just remembered being very defensive. maybe i overreacted. maybe it was the state of mind i was in - the forlornness, the anxiety.
i wanted to shout out that it is true that i ride a bicycle because i can't afford a car. but it is also true that i love riding the bicycle. i don't just like riding my bicycle, i LOVE it. when i'm not riding my bicycle i feel like something is missing. the bicycle is a noble machine, it was around way before cars were invented and survives till today. modern bicycles are built with some of the most advanced materials man has invented and employ cutting edge aerodynamics and technology. in it's infancy, bicycles were called FREEDOM MACHINES because they empowered people with mobility and a reliable form of alternative personal transport. it also has zero emission, creates little noise pollution and is one of the best forms of exercise.
a part of me was dying to shout that all out. but i didn't. because i see a true friend in that person in front of me, a friend worth keeping for life. and only true friends can poke fun at each other freely without concerns for the person on the receiving end taking offense. that is what friends do to each other, and much more. sometimes you put up walls not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.
+listening to: dandelion by audioslave
Friday, March 19
Sunday, March 14
| forget | |
father up above, why in all this anger, do you fill me up with love?
an earnest conversation, a home-cooked meal.
when i look at all your other children, it makes me want to be a better person.
why in all this hatred, do you shower me with love?
so i'm told, so the story goes, the people you knew were less than golden hearted. yet you forgave, yet you forgot.
people disappoint, sometimes even friends. but it's okay, but it's alright, i'm learning to forget.
+listening to: nothing.
Saturday, March 13
Thursday, March 11
| tell you what | |
sometimes when someone says "...do you want to join us?"
i say "sure." but what i mean is only because i'm being polite and thank you for marginalizing me.
i cannot help but feel a poignant undertow of condescension even if you didn't mean it.
+listening to: one mint julep by ray charles
Wednesday, March 10
Monday, March 8
| renewed | |
a renewed sense of hope. even though when i look far beyond the horizon, it's still a whirlpool of dark waters, i'm just a little bit less weary, and a little bit less afraid.
because i know there will be people who'd back me up when i fall. and then i'd be able to claw back onto my feet and walk on.
if sadness is what happens when you turn your anger inwards, hope is what happens when you turn your happiness, outwards.
+listening to: i'll back you up by dave matthews
Sunday, March 7
Saturday, March 6
| unofficial | |
i was debating pretty much from when i woke up if i should go to the unofficial party last night. by the time i got done with my ece 430 quiz at around 3, i pretty much made up my mind to not show up and just shut myself in my room.
but by 5 o'clock i couldn't take it anymore. it was the feeling of suffocation. and i feared that i might go into a downward spiral again. so by 8.30 i headed for 711 west elm with no expectations. i just wanted some beer and then get the fuck out.
but the night turned out much differently than i thought. instead of rampant binge drinking people were all pretty much mild and controlled. drinking "responsibly" if you will. so i just sat in the corner with jacob playing the guitar and hugging a couple coronas. occasionally joining in the silly games taking place in front of me. the bottle caps kept hitting the floor, 3, 4, 5... but in my head i was perfectly calm and clear.
it was peace that i haven't felt in days. i think playing music really makes me happy. no matter how fucked up things are, music had always seemed to be there. and i guess i've learned to not care so much about what people think anymore. and so i don't have to put up all the pretenses and just be me.
i'm a bad motherfucker. take it or leave it.
+listening to: jimi thing by dave matthews band
Tuesday, March 2
| tales to take your breath away | |
i want to start reading again. it was something i really enjoyed in my younger days. the thirst for stories, the adventures, without ever setting foot outside my room. and here's the proposed reading list for the rest of the semester/summer, master pieces i've always wanted to read:
- Joseph Conrad "Heart of Darkness"
- Ernest Hemingway “The Undefeated” and “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”
- Franz Kafka “The Metamorphosis” and “In the Penal Colony”
- Rudyard Kipling “The Man who would be King”, “The Phantom Rickshaw” and “Black Jack”
- Robert Louis Stevenson "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"
- Leo Tolstoy “The Death of Ivan Ilych” and "Father Sergius”
+listening to: jimi thing by dave matthews band
» Read the Full Post of " tales to take your breath away "...
Monday, March 1
| a crazy heart | |
haven't spoken in days to anyone except for today. and then i spoke to 3 people today. the 2 guys, and then professor levinson. it was a really humbling experience, a real conversation with someone wise and understanding. he wasn't like the rest of them who just looked down and and put a label on me. he believed that i wanted to be here and that i could turn this thing around.
i think it's the reassurances that i need. life is so short of those. i've always been giving people reassurances that i forgot how much i needed them myself. to have someone tell you that you can do this. a 4.0 gpa is not impossible.
oh and i'll definitely remember this famous line for the rest of the semester: "stop pussying around and get your shit together." - the scrumhalf tells his coach.
+listening to: hello trouble by buck owens
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