unofficial

i was debating pretty much from when i woke up if i should go to the unofficial party last night. by the time i got done with my ece 430 quiz at around 3, i pretty much made up my mind to not show up and just shut myself in my room.

but by 5 o'clock i couldn't take it anymore. it was the feeling of suffocation. and i feared that i might go into a downward spiral again. so by 8.30 i headed for 711 west elm with no expectations. i just wanted some beer and then get the fuck out.

but the night turned out much differently than i thought. instead of rampant binge drinking people were all pretty much mild and controlled. drinking "responsibly" if you will. so i just sat in the corner with jacob playing the guitar and hugging a couple coronas. occasionally joining in the silly games taking place in front of me. the bottle caps kept hitting the floor, 3, 4, 5... but in my head i was perfectly calm and clear.

it was peace that i haven't felt in days. i think playing music really makes me happy. no matter how fucked up things are, music had always seemed to be there. and i guess i've learned to not care so much about what people think anymore. and so i don't have to put up all the pretenses and just be me.

i'm a bad motherfucker. take it or leave it.


+listening to: jimi thing by dave matthews band