i think of my life up to this point as a dilemma. i rationalize situations into infinitesimal divisions. of time, space and ultimately decisions, as if hoping the age old strategy of divide and conquer would somehow yield a different outcome, or an easier path.
herein lies the dilemma: to live life the way it was "supposed to be" or to live precariously?
i believe everyone has a flip side, the side that they don't want people to see/want people to see depending on situations and/or mood. to dabble in the realm of the unexpected, the dangerous or the exotic yet walking a line that's comfortably within the confines of the social norm. it's analogous to the millions of weekend road warriors, or part-time thrill seekers, or even tourist. if you think about it, it's just a word given to travelers who want to see the world yet are unprepared to give up the creature comforts of home and immerse themselves in the foreign surroundings.
hypocrite might be a little harsh. but somewhere along the line we've all become somewhat hypocritical. and we're very good at it. advocating for reduction of CO2 emission while eating and driving our way to ecological devastation. we vocally support the notion of a greener planet, yet are die-hard fans of everything petroleum derived, not that we consciously want to but because we've been enslaved by the convenience of it all. you still want your air-conditioning, don't you?
perhaps it is want that is the issue here. unrestrained, unlimited want. a human condition, an obsession that is being turned into almost a necessity. we create wants to satisfy our other wants. that's all we ever do. think about it, what have you ever done that is not related to something that you have always wanted? very little i suspect. maybe it is time for us all to look at the bigger picture.
so which path will it be? the well trekked or the less traveled? i think it all boils down to how one defines happiness. fundamentally we all want to be happy, while some of us think that what we do would ultimately culminate into the desired destination i call the land of happiness, others are merely content with the pursuit of that destination, and maybe derive a few simple pleasures along the way.
if at this juncture you're utterly confused about what the fuck i am saying, fret not. not everyone possesses the same reasons and logic. but if somehow you start to think that you actually got the point i'm trying to put forth, you don't. you must understand that everything i say is just paraphrased horseshit, triple wrapped in gold foil with a nice little ribbon to garnish. and do i have a potty mouth.
about the author: li xi has written over 20 self-help books and lives in des moines, iowa with his wife kiera and two kids, keith and eamon. they have a dog named oodles.
+listening to: nothing
Thursday, July 29
| the dilemma |  |
Tuesday, June 29
| space/time | |
the creeping feeling of being somewhere you're not supposed to be, out of place, out of mind.
as i was riding through the half lit garage, those last words. as though a stark reminder of the reality. obtrusive, obvious, blatant.
8... crane... ok...
+listening to: deed is done by dave matthews band
Saturday, May 1
| be who you are, and be all you can be | |
why be someone else? when you can just be yourself.
when you hear the music, the double-sided lexicons;
did you ask yourself if this is what you want?
it's just another approach to knowing you,
another telepathic rendezvous;
it's no different than the way it used to be,
'cept i've come to this crossroads and i'm bemused.
gotta figure it out and be all you can be,
'cause no one will help you with your decree.
go your own way, know your own name,
hold your own, go your own way...
+listening to: song for a friend by jason mraz
» Read the Full Post of " be who you are, and be all you can be "...
Monday, February 15
| 雪 | |
正月初二，大雪。
冬天因该是个浪漫与充满温暖的季节。之所以如此是因为白雪给人们带来的是一种纯洁与温馨的感觉。而也是每当冬季，一家老少都会聚在一起过新年，吃团圆饭。
这也是为什么冬季恋歌那部电视剧会那么流行；它赋予人们的是一种企望，一种向往： 等待春天的到来，而同时又沉浸在冬季的含蓄。那是一种无法用语言来概括的境界。
每当下雪，我都会想家。如今在这异国他乡的我更是如此。我猜是因为儿时的记忆在我的脑海里留下了深深地烙印，至今不忘。我还记得小时候很少看到雪。所以遇到下雪时我都会惊叹不已，等不及的拉着爸爸和我一起出门打雪仗。那时的欢笑，天真已荡然无存了。可这美好的记忆在今日还是会让我感觉到一丝温热。
那已是很久以前的事了。我也很久没有感受到温馨的滋味了。雪。你别来无恙。你将永远陪伴着我，潜伏在我的脑海深处。
+listening to: in the flesh by dream theater
Saturday, January 30
| 21 grams | |
a stack of 5 nickels. a hummingbird. the exact weight of the soul at the moment of death. how much do we lose and how much do we gain in that 21 grams.
you ever hear the story, of mr. faded glory? say he who rides the pony must some day fall. i was talkin' to my alter, says life is what you make it. and if you make it death, well rest your soul away.
+listening to: crown of thorns by pearl jam
Sunday, December 13
Sunday, November 29
Friday, November 27
Thursday, November 26
Saturday, November 14
Saturday, October 24
| recently | |
people say i just ignore. people say i smile and look away.
don't ridicule, because every time something like that is said, it chips away at my soul. little by little fall to pieces. unpleasant memories of troubled times. it hurts, it hurts.
don't say. don't say.
+listening to: recently by dave matthews band
Thursday, October 22
| i wonder | |
is the blue that i see, every time i look up, the same blue that you see? is the sweet smell, of the breeze in the rain, the same one that you smell when you're caught without an umbrella?
it seems like i'm thinking about you when i shouldn't. maybe it's because i don't see you around. i want to send you a text message, but i'm lost for words. i want to ask you out, but i don't know how.
i'm here. but i feel small. so small. how could this trouble seem so big. so big. the maples in the wind blows bright orange, the clouds in the sky still absolute pearly. every single thing i see, is a reminder of you.
+listening to: hidden track by pearl jam
Saturday, October 10
| best of what's around | |
hey my friend, it seems your eyes are troubled. care to share, your times with me? would you say that you're feeling low, and so a good idea would be, to take it off your mind.
see you and me, have a better time than most can be. have it better than the best, so we can pull on through. whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down. and if nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around.
+listening to: parting ways by pearl jam
Sunday, October 4
Sunday, September 13
| sunday morning | |
it's been almost a week. i need a fix. a fix of words that speak volumes when all i could hear in the room was silence. and the rustling leaves. i could always count on them.
a sumptuous bowl of chicken noodle soup at just the right temperature, with lightly toasted croutons half submerged like rafts lost at sea - that's the flavors of soul. memories of freezing winter nights and a warm and fuzzy feeling deep inside.
week in, week out. looking at the world from inside the glass prison. never seeing that last drop of whatever poison that runs coarsely through my veins, yet knowing that the bottles kept emptying. the sorrows, momentarily drowned. and happiness prevails. unadulterated albeit short lived happiness. and then the cycle restarts itself as is with life.
how are you all feeling today? i half-heartedly wanted to know. and then i looked at the clock, and decided that it's best to stash that thought at the back of my mind, until i really mean it in the sincerest of ways.
green green red green green green orange. orange... should i start a conversation? i wouldn't know what to say. one-line conversation killers are my specialty. i can't do small talk. i do heart to heart.
i think it's gone now. the urge for that fix. and i should probably get back to work. hit play and wait for it... there.
+listening to: i'll back you up by dave matthews and tim reynolds
Wednesday, September 2
| trouble is... | |
nothing particular on my mind. yet the anxiousness... it's making me sick. 4:25. 4:26. waiting for an eternity to see the promised sunrise.
doing things one at a time. fit the last piece of the puzzle into the housing situation next year. the house is complete. and i'm already excited about next year. time to move on to the next puzzle.
4:28. the squirrels are sleeping. there's only the crickets left now. a sip of water? thank you very much. the air is still but crisp. perfect time to get some work done.
4:30. let's go let's go. crash into me.
4:35. #41.
+listening to: #41 by dave matthews band
Tuesday, July 28
| strangely at peace | |
woke up today feeling less anxious than yesterday, less anxious than the day before. actually come to think of it, i haven't felt this tranquil for a long time. it's like the stone that i've been crawling under has been lifted off my shoulder.
+listening to: hollow years by dream theater
Wednesday, July 15
| that was then, this is now | |
i'm finding it harder to remain focused. it just seems that i suck at everything i do, most notably all things pertaining to academics among others. i remember it hasn't always been like this, i used to be good. i used to be really good. somewhere along the way, something went astray.
i yearn for a better understanding of how my mind works. relevant subjects just don't seem to register, and that is before we even start talking about a thorough understanding. seemingly random and useless factoids gets stuck to my mind like flies to stink, i'd only need to read it once and it could never be forgotten.
why can't analog signals and systems be read and understood intrinsically like life of pi. are frequency response and fourier/laplace transforms that different from a few fundamentally philosophical questions? if anything they are all about trying to unravel the truth that this universe holds.
but it seems like my mind sits within an impregnable citadel. heavily fortified, severely lonely. and there's this unassuageable void. it sucks the life out and leaves nothing behind. determination and belief? those are only as strong as your mind is. and i have a weak mind. i surrender too easily.
what is the cure for that void and loneliness? someone please give me an answer. please.
+listening to: falling down by andy timmons
Saturday, July 4
| talking | |
sometimes all we need to do is talk.
just came off the end of a long chat with a good friend, whom i shall not name. let's call him Z. now Z is unsure of himself and what life holds for him. he's tired and drained from not being able to achieve certain things he set out for himself. and from what i gather, Z isn't really happy about the state of things on the larger scale either. he feels trapped in a rat race. like... another brick in the wall.
i had felt the same way before, and i understood what he meant. it's hard to get a grip of what life has in store for us. and me? i don't know... i've always gone about my ways, i envied some, loathed others. all i know is that my life is what i make of it.
the more i talked, and the more i thought, and the more i talked, i started to realize, that what really kept me going boils down to one thing: the belief that i'm going to do something amazing. i don't know when it will happen because it hasn't happend yet, or what i'm going to be doing. but i just believe.
it's always easier to be sad, and be pessimistic about things. it's our natural reaction to the fear of the unknown. maybe it is also because it takes a certain amount of courage to trust and believe, that things will turn out for the better in the face of impending doom.
and it helps sometimes to take things in from another perspective, to see things in a different light; we all have our own inclinations and biases. sometimes "i don't know..." is perfectly acceptable. after all, we don't and can't possibly know the answers to everything. we have to find those out for ourselves.
so hey Z, brother, if you're reading this, here's something you didn't know about yourself: you are AMAZING.
as a matter of fact, this applies to everyone of us. we're all here for a reason. there's no doubt. just trust me on this.
+listening to: guranteed by eddie vedder
