that was then, this is now

i'm finding it harder to remain focused. it just seems that i suck at everything i do, most notably all things pertaining to academics among others. i remember it hasn't always been like this, i used to be good. i used to be really good. somewhere along the way, something went astray.

i yearn for a better understanding of how my mind works. relevant subjects just don't seem to register, and that is before we even start talking about a thorough understanding. seemingly random and useless factoids gets stuck to my mind like flies to stink, i'd only need to read it once and it could never be forgotten.

why can't analog signals and systems be read and understood intrinsically like life of pi. are frequency response and fourier/laplace transforms that different from a few fundamentally philosophical questions? if anything they are all about trying to unravel the truth that this universe holds.

but it seems like my mind sits within an impregnable citadel. heavily fortified, severely lonely. and there's this unassuageable void. it sucks the life out and leaves nothing behind. determination and belief? those are only as strong as your mind is. and i have a weak mind. i surrender too easily.

what is the cure for that void and loneliness? someone please give me an answer. please.


+listening to: falling down by andy timmons