long nights

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall


+listening to: long nights by eddie vedder

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the world on my shoulders

why does everyone seem to place upon me expectations after expectations? who i should be, what i should do. i hate expectations, because i hate to disappoint.

why can't there just be no expectations. then i'd be free to express myself, and i'd be able to give everything i have because those are my instincts. i would put forth my best foot, and i would show you the world.

expectations bring out nothing but my primal instincts for resistance. because i'm sick of conformity.

+listening to: i need a dollar by aloe blacc

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--

finals start tomorrow. i feel so screwed.
yet i cannot stop thinking.
this past week is all i can think about.

+listening to: nothing

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pictures and sounds

with every high comes the crashing down, and at the moment i'm riding the wave towards the trough at the speed of light, i suppose. all i could say is for a brief 2 hours, all the troubles, all the worries were nowhere to be felt. it was like lifting the stone off my shoulders and the rain cloud over my head.

everyone was there, jimi, srv, neil young, the peppers. and soulful, soulful acoustic guitars, with chords that tickled every nerve at the back of my palm. and my feet they start dancing, and i forget everything in that moment.

everything was so fitting, the place, the time. snowy saturday night in a coffee house. shimmering lights ghosting past the draped windowsill. torn up wooden floorboards, candles...

and the sounds, the sounds. and the pictures that surround me.

i felt so lost, yet i've never felt so right at home.

+listening to: riddle by dispatch

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christmas lights

i don't know what it is, but lately i've been struggling with this feeling. i can't put words to it, but i think i've found exactly how it feels like, in a song.

it's been a while since a song had made me tear. but it's such a perfect song. that just describes this place i'm in, in between, not anywhere but in between.

another 28 days till this year of joy, anguish, pain and everything else in between comes to a conclusion. it seems so soon, yet christmas feels like such a far off concept.

may all your troubles soon be gone, oh christmas lights, keep shining on....

+listening to: christmas lights by coldplay

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hmm

just got an invite from a friend to go to rugby practice. who'd have known he was on the team? totally out of the blue. to go or not to go... that is the question.

maybe it's a sign. telling me that i should do something about my life. and not just keep waiting on things to happen.

+listening to: nothing

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don't you...

Don't you be a passerby
Oh don't won't you sit down
And stay a while...
Cause it's been too long since you been around

+listening to: passerby by dispatch

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the sweetness

every time i eat a baked sweet potato, i think about my grandma. it scares me how vivid those memories still are in my head. i must have been 5 or 6 years old, huddled around a charcoal pit, on a chilly fall day waiting for those ash strewn globules of deliciousness to cook. somehow my grandma would always know when they're done, perhaps wisdom that comes along with old age.

it's kind of funny how our earliest and most vivid memories are always about food. and we never grow out of what we grew up eating. the comfort food of our past, it does more than just quell our belly-aching, i'd like to think it warms our soul.

maybe it is not the food itself that triggers a response in our emotions. that is not to say that they are not tasty, just that maybe it is something else, a sweetness associated with other things surrounding the idea of the food we ingest. perhaps the process of making them, or maybe the people we're with while we consumed them.

i just wanted to write this down before i forget, and until the next time i decide to bake myself another sweet potato, which would almost certainly be sooner than later.

+listening to: nothing

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