blue

as i look back at what i've been through, what i am going through, i can't help but think maybe a white collar job isn't really for me.

i don't hate school, i've benefitted tremendously in terms of theoretical knowledge gained, life lessons learnt, and perhaps most importantly how it made me who i am. not forgetting life-long friendships forged and many memories that will always be with me in along the way, till completion.

it's just that, i don't think the school environment suits me. i like to work on my own schedule, to perfect the things i do. particularly the way i work - i like to focus on one subject matter at a time, and devote all my time and passion into doing it to the best of my abilities.

and in the past few years, my value system has been totally reshaped. i began taking on very different perspectives into the values of the work that people do, particularly those of whom commonly referred to as "blue collar". i'm not talking about the average production line worker who spends his day churning out the same product and going through the repetitive motions, but people who put their heart and soul into their craft which most likely have taken years and a whole lot of blood sweat and tears to perfect. be it farmers, mechanics, fabricators, painters or bike frame builders. people who truly love what they do and do them so well it's become almost an art form.

if i only scrape a living, at least it's a living worth scraping. and if there's no future in it, at least the present is worth remembering. i really don't know. maybe i have too much time on my hands at the moment.


+listening to: nothing

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all roads lead to rome

why am i so fucked up on the inside.. if i could turn myself inside out you'd see scenes of utter apocalypse. i try my best to keep it together, to have the outward appearance of total control, to remain calm. i guess it is a way to contain the chaos that is really inside. because that's the only way i know how to get by.

+listening to: riddle by dispatch

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~

looking in the mirror, staring back at me, isn't so much a face as the expression of a predicament.

+listening to: nothing

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long nights

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall


+listening to: long nights by eddie vedder

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the world on my shoulders

why does everyone seem to place upon me expectations after expectations? who i should be, what i should do. i hate expectations, because i hate to disappoint.

why can't there just be no expectations. then i'd be free to express myself, and i'd be able to give everything i have because those are my instincts. i would put forth my best foot, and i would show you the world.

expectations bring out nothing but my primal instincts for resistance. because i'm sick of conformity.

+listening to: i need a dollar by aloe blacc

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--

finals start tomorrow. i feel so screwed.
yet i cannot stop thinking.
this past week is all i can think about.

+listening to: nothing

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pictures and sounds

with every high comes the crashing down, and at the moment i'm riding the wave towards the trough at the speed of light, i suppose. all i could say is for a brief 2 hours, all the troubles, all the worries were nowhere to be felt. it was like lifting the stone off my shoulders and the rain cloud over my head.

everyone was there, jimi, srv, neil young, the peppers. and soulful, soulful acoustic guitars, with chords that tickled every nerve at the back of my palm. and my feet they start dancing, and i forget everything in that moment.

everything was so fitting, the place, the time. snowy saturday night in a coffee house. shimmering lights ghosting past the draped windowsill. torn up wooden floorboards, candles...

and the sounds, the sounds. and the pictures that surround me.

i felt so lost, yet i've never felt so right at home.

+listening to: riddle by dispatch

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christmas lights

i don't know what it is, but lately i've been struggling with this feeling. i can't put words to it, but i think i've found exactly how it feels like, in a song.

it's been a while since a song had made me tear. but it's such a perfect song. that just describes this place i'm in, in between, not anywhere but in between.

another 28 days till this year of joy, anguish, pain and everything else in between comes to a conclusion. it seems so soon, yet christmas feels like such a far off concept.

may all your troubles soon be gone, oh christmas lights, keep shining on....

+listening to: christmas lights by coldplay

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