it's been a while, my friend: i can see clearer, now that that i'm blind...

the recollection of time and events, sets me back in this wonderfully nostalgic mood...

the class chalet made me think once more. i haven't really thought in a while. things haven't been the smoothest lately. actually they haven't been going smoothly at all. just before i went to chalet, i got the email that informed me of the uncertain nature of my pending application, of the inability on the school's part to come to a conclusion. i was devastated. because as the deadline draws nearer, the chances becomes slimmer.

as i have often thought, before i have come to the conclusion, that "there's a silver lining in every cloud". while growing up, i realized, however, that sometimes there isn't. some are just impenetrable, dark clouds which stretches into the oblivion. the night i got really drunk, i was depressed and tired. i dunno what got into me, but a sense of sadness just overwhelmed me. strangely, i thought it was beautiful. a world full of joy seems ideal, but at the same time it is shallow. by that i meant thoughtless joy, those foolish moments that happen for no reason. real joy however ought to be cherished, like love, friendship and serenity.

that same night, even though i was under the influence, i saw everything clearer. i saw genuine sadness, real joy, acts of kindness and love. it was like the world of emotions was before me, demonstrated in the most simple and elegant ways possible. as the night grew longer, i was slowly losing consciousness. it felt great. the bottles kept emptying, and i felt more at ease with myself. strange thoughts flooded my head. emotions were intensified. i remember sitting in the dark room at first, while a friend passed out on the bed. another friend came and sat beside me. we talked. i dunno what i said. he cried. i remember at that moment feeling guilty because it somehow seemed wrong to make another person cry. anyone for that matter. he told me the last time he cried was during his grandpa's funeral. i felt naked, exposed, but at the same time comforted that those emotions shown to me by others around me are real, unembellished. it was a loving gesture and i just remember feeling relieved.

to be continued...