The Wasteland

Still awake, I continue to move along, cultivating my own nonsense. Welcome to the wasteland, where you'll find ashes, nothing but ashes...

Feelings are what makes us beings, and not just inanimate objects. cognizant, feeling, beings. hurt, disappointment, rejection - negative feelings are what keeps us in check with the harshness of reality. Darwinian theory did not predict the evolution of feelings, only the physical progression of our beings. i think that's precisely what separates us from animals.

I have come to the conclusion that the feeling of emptiness is perhaps one of the most powerful feelings a being can experience. especially these few days, just to give you an idea, my mental-scape looks something like a wasteland, a landfill, with crows hovering above, trying to scavenge the last bits of whatever that remains.

I feel like an ass for not doing NS, seeing friends and classmates all soon to be enlisted. I feel like a coward, like a deserter. i feel as if i'm betraying those who are going. i keep telling myself it's okay, but everytime i try to tell myself it's okay, it only ends in a circular argument - that it's not okay and that i should feel ashamed of myself. it's like avoiding a draft during a war, you ought to feel emasculated, because you have no honour left.

The emptiest of all i guess is that this might be the last time i get to see some of my closest friends. whom i have come to admire and love, for who they are and what they have done in the cause of friendship and camaraderie. Life will never feel the same again i suppose, because i doubt i'll ever have friends who are closer than those that i have now. university, work places are all too complicated, filled with people with their own agenda and ambitions. there's no place for real, innocent and lifelong friendships to flourish, they would just be mere acquaintances.

Still awake, bringing change, bringing movement. Bringing life, a silent prayer thrown away. Disappearing in the air, rising, sinking, raining deep inside me. Nowhere to turn, I look for a way back home...