once

it's 11.50 pm. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.

morning was a blur of caffeine induced stomach cramps and absent-mindedness. sorry nick if i seemed not myself, usually it's the teacher's job to remind the student to pay attention, not the other way around. i wasn't doing it on purpose, just that there's too much on my mind. and i think i owe you another session on my dime.

on the way home. phone rang. i was overjoyed. damn... wrong person.

lunch was supposed to be nice, but somehow it's as though nothing has happened. the chatter was all fun and happy and all, but somehow it all seemed superficial. i was trying hard to hide the turbulence inside. i didn't want to be silent, i just wanted to keep talking, so the demons would be kept at bay and the voice be drowned out. i didn't want to lose it.

on the way home. longest train ride. i knew.

afternoon was nothing. silence. no, i had the mamasan trilogy playing in the background and i just sat. the turbulence has turned into an outlandish sense of obscurity. i feel... nothing. not numb, just nothing. void.

i lie in bed thinking, listening, thinking, listening. no. it's nowhere near the bottom yet.

i admit it, what's to say
i'll relive it without pain...
try and mimic what's insane
i'm in it... where do i stand?...
i got my hand in my pocket, so determined, discreet... i pray...
once upon a time i could control myself
once upon a time i could lose myself...

don't look down. once more. once.


+listening to: better not look down by b. b. king