24

it's about 24 hours to doomsday - the third of my four mid-terms this time round. the thought of the already irreversibly marooned math exam on monday does little to boost my self esteem.

these few days have been... awkward.

awkward behaviors, awkward schedules, awkward decisions to make, awkward situations to endure.

the usual cheeriness in me are all gone, and to be honest some might even consider certain behaviors to be anti-social. i just feel so tired everyday after classes that i barely have time to do things that i enjoy. and this is only my freshmen year. people have always told me that u of i's electrical engineering program is rigorous, i guess this is what rigorous means.

thank god for gen ed classes, they provide the briefest of respites from the mundane, facts-laden technical courses. and the funny thing is i actually look forward to doing my CINE 104 (a film class) homework. it sometimes makes me wonder if i've chosen the right major.

it's not that i hate engineering, but i really envy the people in my classes who are always in the front row, who listen to the professors speak as if god himself were delivering a message. it's that thirst for knowledge that i'm envious of, and of course that intrinsic understanding of the subject that seem to come so naturally to them.

i yearn to be in that group of the select few, who were there for the sole reason of wanting to be there and nowhere else. and the worst part is that i know i would never be able to be the best at what i do if that huge void is not filled by something as absolute as passion.

i wanna feel alive again, i wanna feel like the way i feel every time i step onto the rugby pitch, every second of my life. what's my calling in life?


+listening to: gravity by john mayer trio