Still awake, I continue to move along, cultivating my own nonsense. Welcome to the wasteland, where you'll find ashes, nothing but ashes...
Feelings are what makes us beings, and not just inanimate objects. cognizant, feeling, beings. hurt, disappointment, rejection - negative feelings are what keeps us in check with the harshness of reality. Darwinian theory did not predict the evolution of feelings, only the physical progression of our beings. i think that's precisely what separates us from animals.
I have come to the conclusion that the feeling of emptiness is perhaps one of the most powerful feelings a being can experience. especially these few days, just to give you an idea, my mental-scape looks something like a wasteland, a landfill, with crows hovering above, trying to scavenge the last bits of whatever that remains.
I feel like an ass for not doing NS, seeing friends and classmates all soon to be enlisted. I feel like a coward, like a deserter. i feel as if i'm betraying those who are going. i keep telling myself it's okay, but everytime i try to tell myself it's okay, it only ends in a circular argument - that it's not okay and that i should feel ashamed of myself. it's like avoiding a draft during a war, you ought to feel emasculated, because you have no honour left.
The emptiest of all i guess is that this might be the last time i get to see some of my closest friends. whom i have come to admire and love, for who they are and what they have done in the cause of friendship and camaraderie. Life will never feel the same again i suppose, because i doubt i'll ever have friends who are closer than those that i have now. university, work places are all too complicated, filled with people with their own agenda and ambitions. there's no place for real, innocent and lifelong friendships to flourish, they would just be mere acquaintances.
Still awake, bringing change, bringing movement. Bringing life, a silent prayer thrown away. Disappearing in the air, rising, sinking, raining deep inside me. Nowhere to turn, I look for a way back home...
Monday, January 7
| The Wasteland |  |
Wednesday, January 2
| New Year Countdown | |
went to countdown with alvin, alien, alge and remy ong haha went to ALOT of places (including the pan pacific elevator. we rode it up and down like 5 times and played hide n seek with the security guard in the hotel at 4 a.m. in the morning. bloody hell lol). basically, it's marina square for dinner => esplanade => fireworks => cathay for midnite movie => starbucks to slack => back to esplanade park for no reason => pan pacific elevator => middle of no where => city hall starbucks => burger king => home
Saturday, December 29
Friday, December 28
| After X'mas... What now | |
Been an uneventful christmas this year. me being home alone. but it is just as much boring as it is a blessing. i had total freedom to do just exactly what i wanted. so for christmas, i went... to my old NTU hood for some old skool reunion.
man it was a great gang bang, just like old times. it was as if i still lived there. breathed the same air. nothing's changed, not even the way the plants grow. yunan corner is still as dodgy, but nontheless hell of a night. it was amazing that we just kept on playing pool, xbox n what not till we couldn't take it anymore! haha coolio and wasted.
and then 2 days later, which is yesterday, i think... i went again. exactly the same thing! and the thing is we ordered macs, and akash being his usual self, for the 2nd time in a week, ordered a (pay attention!): DOUBLE CHEESE BURGER WITHOUT THE MEAT. i mean dude, if you're gonna order a DOUBLE cheeseburger without meat, why dun u just order a SINGLE cheeseburger without meat. you get EXACTLY THE SAME THING: a bun and cheese. hahaha i mean it was too funny and we all had a good time taking potshots at him. he doesn't seem offended. then yesterday, the order came with the meat and he got pissed off. so he called macs up again and threatened to sue them. guess what, they sent the same order back again! that's like 20+ bucks worth of free food dude. we should have ordered WAY more. that way we can milk every single cent out of it.
hmm sentosa tomorrow i guess, really looking forward to it! i really miss the class and the GOOD times we had together! yaaaaaooooozzzeeeeehhhh! and from now on i can post pics up as well. just got myself a new x'mas present: a shiny new motorazr2 V8. :D
Monday, December 24
| Merry X'mas | |
it's a black x'mas this year, the black parade is going on. santa is wearing black and ain't gonna be dropping by coz he's too hung over. it snows black snow in certain places and the elves have started using black eyeliner. rudolph the reindeer has decided to change his nose colour to black after seeing the rest of the reindeers, and the official theme for x'mas this year is back in black. so what can i say kids? have a merry x'mas
Friday, December 21
| Good movies... what're yours? | |
Movies tell stories. i for one enjoy those which make people think a little bit more after the credits roll, like the creamy aftertaste from a nice sip of vodka, or the subtle sweetness of fine dark chocolate lingering after it has long melted in one's mouth.
These past few days i haven't been doing much. kinda moody mostly because of certain setbacks. nonetheless i decided to watch some movies to distract myself. out of those i thought 2 really stood out, they're both kids movies. well not the cartoon-ish sort of family flick from walt disney or anything but rather movies about kids.
the first was called "Nobody Knows". Beautiful Japanese film. you really don't need the subtitles to appreciate the beauty of this film. It speaks of a Japanese single parent family with a mom and 4 kids. because of their 2 very young kids they couldn't find a place to rent so they had to smuggle them into the apartment in suitcases. then the mom left them and it was just about how the eldest brother Akira took responsibility for the other siblings.
The second film was called "December Boys". It's about 4 Australian orphan kids and their childhood adventures and special bond between them as they overcome the struggle over the likelihood of one of them being adopted.
strikingly both films are about characters and their relationships with those they love. it really touched me deep down inside. highly recommended for those who savours such sort of intertwining links between human emotions. i just somehow felt a connection with the characters in both films. i feel the psychological links, that i see myself in them, mostly in bits and pieces. but the similarities are obtrusive. i'd like to walk in their shoes for a day or two. it's fine once in a while to watch some action flicks, comedy and others but films like the above mentioned are just timeless themes. It just shows that low budget films and indie films are not inferior. they can be stunning pieces and hold their own place.
give it a try, you might just get addicted...
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Thursday, December 20
| Failure to Succeed | |
"Every rejection is incremental payment on your dues that in some way will be translated back into your work."
Those are the words of James Lee Burke. Life presents itself in such a myriad of unexplainable mysteries. Rejection is one of those hard to take ones. No one likes rejection yet it happens everyday. i also remember this saying from the movie "Million Dollar Baby" where someone said "It's okay to lose a fight..." i guess this would be a test for me, to overcome the million other adversities to come in life.
Yes i did not get what i wanted. I am genuinely disappointed, because i've worked hard towards it and never got the chance to feel what it is like. but that doesn't stop me from carrying on in my pursuit of what i want. this would be the right time to pick myself up and keep walking. 自强不息
