gone but not forgotten

it's been a while since i blogged. taken a huge hit on thursday. well pete left for good, gone back to OZ...

it didn't really occur to me how until the day before... after i went to his house jus to hang out. we did some random shit, i gave him the vans with the card in it and felt pretty good. i thought that was a good bye, you know sort of a friendly "hey cya man".

then thursday came, i couldn't do shit the whole day, i couldn't concentrate. something jus got stirred inside me, and all the memories came flooding in by the truckloads. i got hit by a hurricane. and then at 5, him and his dad came over. we didn't talk much, i remember saying to him spain caned ukraine, and he said yea. it's almost like we became strangers. there was a period of silence, we didn't know what to say to each other, we didn't even look at each other in the eye. i was afraid of what might happen. then his dad said they'd better get moving coz they're leaving for the airport at 6... we got up and i gave him a bear hug... it was the silent goodbye... we shook hands, like 3 times and i still remember the lift door closing, we jus stared, lingering, and then the final closure of those heavy, metallic slates. it's like something put a lid on my head, clamped it shut. my heart jus dropped. i felt fucked up.

then before i went down at abt 5.30, pete sent me a message saying goodbye for the last time, i remember staring at my phone and jus crying out loud... i cried, i cried my heart out for the first time in years. i can't even remember when's the last time i cried. time stood still and again all the memories jus hit me like and avalanche. i was devastated, i crumbled, something in me died.

i had no idea i cared so much. all these 7 years i jus took pete for a friend, not that i didn't give a shit, but it's like we're such good friends i almost took him for granted. i love him (not like gay or anything), loved him as a friend. he's almost like a brother to me. i had the best times of my life here and having a friend like that is jus awesome...

then at 8, before he boarded, he messaged me again, to say goodbye yet again, i told him i cried, and i can vividly remember that reply "dun worry man, everyone cries". i cried again for the 2nd time that day, this time with a certain smile on my face, i was sad but this time i somehow forgave myself for crying, it's not shameful anymore, it was okay to cry...

i doubt i'll get over it, everytime i think of the day pete left, tears still swell up in my eyes. it's only been 2 days since pete left and soccer hasn't been like the way it used to be without pete. i fell really bad, took some skin off my knee, fucked up my hip and my archilles. but it was ok. somehow i think pete's leaving changed me, i'm not the same person i used to be... i dunno, i jus realised i cared much more about what's around me than i thought... i think i've grown up