why wash your car?

on a fine beautiful sunny morning, the common sight in the car park downstairs staggers me: middle-aged men washing their cars.


what a meaningless way of passing the time. you don’t wash your vacuum cleaner or your television set, you have a machine to wash the dishes and you employ a maid to clean your windows. so how much do you have to hate the sight of your wife and children before you think, “i’d rather go outside and spend a couple of hours shining my wheel nuts”?

i am aware, of course, that many men do hate the sight of their wife and children. doctors even have a name for these people: “anglers”. but even the concept of sitting in the drizzle by a canal for six hours fishing for an elusive luohan fish is not as daft as washing a car.

first of all, it’s very hard work. you have to do all the exercises favoured by homosexuals in gyms. bending over, stretching, rubbing. but at least when homosexuals finish, they have glistening, toned bodies that make them look good. you? you’re just going to end up with a slipped disk in your spine, while losing what's left of the 20 or so strands of hair you have left by the mili-seconds. and the more you clean, the more you’ll notice is dirty. if you’re not careful you’ll end up polishing the inside of the tyre valves and then not wanting to use your car if it’s raining.

and i see you armed to the teeth with your arsenal of weapons? are those the uber - secret - formula - developed - on - mars cleaning products that are available in supermarkets? “simply spray onto the glass,” it says on the tin, “then, after two minutes, wipe down with a clean cloth.” rubbish. you can never trust any instruction that begins with the word “simply”.

why are you washing the car in the first place? a car will not get smelly armpits or soggy groin. bathing it will not increase its life expectancy or decrease the chances of a breakdown. all it does really is demonstrate to others that you have a tiny mind and an empty life. i want you to think carefully about this. can you picture in your mind george clooney washing a car? quite.

look to our middle eastern counterparts like qatar, they have realised that it rots the mind (and thirsts the people) and that's why washing your car is forbidden and heralds death by stoning and a fine of QR 15,000.00, though the methods by which you'll pay the fine after getting stoned to death escapes me. nevertheless there's simply no place for such extravagance and useless nonsense.

oh, and here’s another thing. washing a car is the only time you ever get up close and personal with all of its panels. which means you will find a million depressing little dings and scratches that you would never have spotted had you left it caked in grime.

and in the ultimate hypocrisy, let me proclaim: get a life gentlemen. i'm tired of watching you wash your cars from my window =D