the day i lost it

i'm listening to "footsteps" by pearl jam over and over again. it soothes me when i'm moody.

the clock says 12.38am, june the 3rd.

i'm thinking about leaving singapore, leaving all the fond memories. leaving a good part of my life behind. i also can't help but hate this place, it damaged me irreversibly when i was a kid. that's when i changed. i swear something died inside of me. i learnt to take all kinds of shit from people, not fighting back, shutting myself in, silently ignoring all the derogatory xenophobic comments. it felt like the world was against me, at age 10.

i haven't felt like that for a long time. something happened today that just brought that sick feeling back. it's different though, nothing malicious, but somehow it achieved the same effect. it's like pricking open an old wound or getting that same old repulsive aftertaste in your mouth that you loathe with a passion.

today i lost it.