a mind full of questions

time vaporizes. it's already nearing finals time, i am tired as usual, and i live at the library full-time now - i'm officially a "grainger ranger".

life's been... different lately. i've been far more detached from the reality. no idea what's going on around me. and my meager existence has a vocabulary of exactly 4 words: eat, sleep, class, study.

so in one of those few moments of aimlessness, i decided to have a chat with a few of the rugby boys. i forgot how long it's been since i last talked to them. i've been so out of touch with rugby and everything that has been going on.

i would have never imagined that i still held so much emotions for that little patch of green now that i'm a million miles away on the other side of the world. the images of those beaten to the ground crash pads, those endless mornings are still as vivid as yesterday.

i'm glad that for some of them that desire is still going strong, the passion still fervent. and for others it's hard to gauge, there's that hint of fatigue setting in, the edge seems to have been taken off just a wee bit. that subtle uncertainty about the future, about everything.

i saw it coming, with the coachless situation. i knew that it was going to be the archilles' heel of this bunch. i tried to put some sort of safeguard in, but i knew it wouldn't really be effective. i don't know why i'm still as surprised as i am. my heart still skipped a beat, something still stirred.

it's a struggle, it's always been a struggle and always will be. it's even harder when you're not even an adult. you're not expected to go through this shit. the path was supposed to be pointed out for you. laid in front of your eyes for you to tread comfortably. but sometimes, it just happens to be the way it is. we are a special bunch of people who all chose to walk this path.

keep the faith, that's what i always say and always do, because you never know what awaits you even when you think you know the flow of things. it's still a verdictless life, things will change for the better in the end, they always do.


+listening to: guaranteed by eddie vedder