fathers

life has a funny way of reminding me of the things that are important. as my playlist shuffled for the umpteenth time, the song "daughter" came up again.

as it turned out today's fathers day, as i was hastily given a wake-up call by a friend while chatting online in the wee hours of the morning. it's a touchy subject for me, because i was never close to my father, well maybe when i was a little kid. as i was growing up my dad often had to travel, and there was a period of maybe 6 years that he worked in hong kong and i would only get to see him twice a year.

i guess "daddy wasn't there" would be somewhat appropriate here. i don't really know what went on in my still malleable young mind when i was growing up, but i remember feeling resentful, not angry, but resentful. and then there was that hint of disappointment, that dad couldn't really make it to the occasions that really mattered to me: seemingly insignificant award ceremonies, when i learnt to ride a bike, etc. i would cry myself to sleep sometimes because all the other dads were there to cheer their sons on. and i'd only get to talk to my dad on the phone to tell him what i'd done.

maybe the crucial "bonding years" had been lost. then when i finally got to see my dad a lot, i found that we didn't have much to say to each other anymore, because our worlds are completely isolated from each other. he went on and about his work, and i delved into music, sports. i even tried to avoid doing the things that my dad liked. i was afraid that we might have to be in the same place at the same time.

but looking back at these years, it's starting to seem a little silly. i guess i never completely got over those resentful emotions that i kept welled up when i was a kid. it wasn't really daddy's fault. but mending a relationship wouldn't be overnight's work either. it would take time, and a miracle.

i never used to believe in miracles. everything was so absolute. it is either there or it isn't. everything was in perfectly distinguishable black and white. there were no shades of grey. but i think i've changed. i've met some people, made some good friends. and my perceptions have altered.

one of my favourite sequence/scene from a movie is from this one called "elizabeth town". it was about a road trip, that was supposed to have taken place between a father and son. the road trip did eventually take place, but it was a little late albeit being a beautiful experience. the same friend who had initially brought to my attention the fact that today was father's day had also urged me to take on a similar road trip with my own dad. i didn't really give it any serious thought at the time, but today i've had some moments when i reflected upon what he'd said. and i think he might be right. i might just do it after all.

so here's one to all the fathers out there. you make us proud.


+listening to: daughter by pearl jam