it's a black x'mas this year, the black parade is going on. santa is wearing black and ain't gonna be dropping by coz he's too hung over. it snows black snow in certain places and the elves have started using black eyeliner. rudolph the reindeer has decided to change his nose colour to black after seeing the rest of the reindeers, and the official theme for x'mas this year is back in black. so what can i say kids? have a merry x'mas
Friday, December 21
| Good movies... what're yours? |  |
Movies tell stories. i for one enjoy those which make people think a little bit more after the credits roll, like the creamy aftertaste from a nice sip of vodka, or the subtle sweetness of fine dark chocolate lingering after it has long melted in one's mouth.
These past few days i haven't been doing much. kinda moody mostly because of certain setbacks. nonetheless i decided to watch some movies to distract myself. out of those i thought 2 really stood out, they're both kids movies. well not the cartoon-ish sort of family flick from walt disney or anything but rather movies about kids.
the first was called "Nobody Knows". Beautiful Japanese film. you really don't need the subtitles to appreciate the beauty of this film. It speaks of a Japanese single parent family with a mom and 4 kids. because of their 2 very young kids they couldn't find a place to rent so they had to smuggle them into the apartment in suitcases. then the mom left them and it was just about how the eldest brother Akira took responsibility for the other siblings.
The second film was called "December Boys". It's about 4 Australian orphan kids and their childhood adventures and special bond between them as they overcome the struggle over the likelihood of one of them being adopted.
strikingly both films are about characters and their relationships with those they love. it really touched me deep down inside. highly recommended for those who savours such sort of intertwining links between human emotions. i just somehow felt a connection with the characters in both films. i feel the psychological links, that i see myself in them, mostly in bits and pieces. but the similarities are obtrusive. i'd like to walk in their shoes for a day or two. it's fine once in a while to watch some action flicks, comedy and others but films like the above mentioned are just timeless themes. It just shows that low budget films and indie films are not inferior. they can be stunning pieces and hold their own place.
give it a try, you might just get addicted...
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Thursday, December 20
| Failure to Succeed | |
"Every rejection is incremental payment on your dues that in some way will be translated back into your work."
Those are the words of James Lee Burke. Life presents itself in such a myriad of unexplainable mysteries. Rejection is one of those hard to take ones. No one likes rejection yet it happens everyday. i also remember this saying from the movie "Million Dollar Baby" where someone said "It's okay to lose a fight..." i guess this would be a test for me, to overcome the million other adversities to come in life.
Yes i did not get what i wanted. I am genuinely disappointed, because i've worked hard towards it and never got the chance to feel what it is like. but that doesn't stop me from carrying on in my pursuit of what i want. this would be the right time to pick myself up and keep walking. 自强不息
Tuesday, December 18
| Judgement | |
The Big moment has finally arrived. Wed, Dec 19 2007. i'm kinda ahead by about 13 hours of US Estern Standard Time, less they already started using the Daylight Saving bullshit which i think they did (if i rmb correctly, the last sunday of october or something). so by tomorrow morning i should know if the course of my fate has been decided the way i wanted it to be.
i been thinking about all that i have done for the past 6 years. some things i'm immensely proud out, some other things that i'm less proud of, and some of the things i'm desperately trying to forget or couldn't care less about.
thinking back, i think JC life has taught me a lot. if there's one thing that i learnt in JC, it's that if you want something, you gotta go get it yourself. because nobody will get it for you. i guess that's the basic philosophy of life, of the cruelty and the harsh reality of an adult life. and i think i'm beginning to see things in a different, more realistic light.
i know that once i go to university things will be more like the outside, unprotected world. i'm gonna have to start taking care of myself. independence i must learn, survival skills i must acquire. so many things that i have to do. at the same time i'm anxious. i can't wait to go to university, to meet new people, to see different things. i believe there's another whole new world out there waiting for me. freedom seems not that far away any more.
so i'm praying hard now, to no particular deity or superior being. i'm just praying that i can get what i've always wanted. i know that the slip of paper's probably sitting somewhere on some admission committee member's desk waiting to be mailed or sitting in the computer database. i just hope it says what i want it to say.
for once pls gimme what i want, for i don't desire many things and seldom do i truly get what i wish for... just this one time.
Monday, December 17
| Believer | |
...Heavenly Highway Hymns. Reminds me of a young J.R. Cash singing away in the fields on a farm down in Dyess, Arkansas.
But it also reminds me of a powerful documentary that i have seen recently entitled Jesus Camp. it tells of the Evangelical Christians and their "voracious" method of converting people, and especially using Kids to do so, and their annual gatherings, way of life, etc. I'm not being biased or whatsoever, hence the inverted comas for the word voracious. if anything i couldn't find another more neutral word.
I guess it is just the way of how certain people do certain things. and i do not doubt that those kids truly believe that their lives are touched by J.C. but I can't help feeling a bit uncomfortable that at such a tender age they are being pressured with the moral burden of confessing their sins and getting "born again". This is not a judgement, for i know the fact is that 80 percent of Evangelical Christians get born again before the age of 13. i'm simply feeling sympathetic towards those kids. what touched me was that one kid came forward during a confession session to say that he had a hard time believing in J.C. and he would really like to change that, and he started crying. it was one of the most innocent and beautiful scenes i've seen. the look on that kid's face just speaks of an unspeakable melancholic sadness.
anyways, these few days have provided for a breather, a break from the hectic schedules of late. i can finally sit down and do some serious readings again, which i have not done since i dunno when. book of the moment: the language of sycamores by lisa wingate. but i'm sure whoever's reading already know that =). thanks for the book!
Saturday, December 15
| Man In Black | |
Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.
I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.
Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.
I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.
And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believin' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believin' that we all were on their side.
Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.
Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black
Wednesday, December 12
| it's been a while, my friend: i can see clearer, now that that i'm blind... | |
the recollection of time and events, sets me back in this wonderfully nostalgic mood...
the class chalet made me think once more. i haven't really thought in a while. things haven't been the smoothest lately. actually they haven't been going smoothly at all. just before i went to chalet, i got the email that informed me of the uncertain nature of my pending application, of the inability on the school's part to come to a conclusion. i was devastated. because as the deadline draws nearer, the chances becomes slimmer.
as i have often thought, before i have come to the conclusion, that "there's a silver lining in every cloud". while growing up, i realized, however, that sometimes there isn't. some are just impenetrable, dark clouds which stretches into the oblivion. the night i got really drunk, i was depressed and tired. i dunno what got into me, but a sense of sadness just overwhelmed me. strangely, i thought it was beautiful. a world full of joy seems ideal, but at the same time it is shallow. by that i meant thoughtless joy, those foolish moments that happen for no reason. real joy however ought to be cherished, like love, friendship and serenity.
that same night, even though i was under the influence, i saw everything clearer. i saw genuine sadness, real joy, acts of kindness and love. it was like the world of emotions was before me, demonstrated in the most simple and elegant ways possible. as the night grew longer, i was slowly losing consciousness. it felt great. the bottles kept emptying, and i felt more at ease with myself. strange thoughts flooded my head. emotions were intensified. i remember sitting in the dark room at first, while a friend passed out on the bed. another friend came and sat beside me. we talked. i dunno what i said. he cried. i remember at that moment feeling guilty because it somehow seemed wrong to make another person cry. anyone for that matter. he told me the last time he cried was during his grandpa's funeral. i felt naked, exposed, but at the same time comforted that those emotions shown to me by others around me are real, unembellished. it was a loving gesture and i just remember feeling relieved.
to be continued...
Saturday, December 8
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