the last straw that broke the camel's back: insignificant it might be by itself.
sometimes i ask myself again and again and again why i do the things i do. i've always avoided answering it. maybe there is no reason, i just feel compelled to do it. so when seemingly trifling events happen that negatively impact me, i simply look the other way and trudge on. i didn't think it would hurt, how wrong i was.
these little things do matter, and they will get to you given enough time. it's exactly how the mighty grand canyon was carved out by tiny pebbles and streams. i only just felt it today, i felt the full brunt of those little things chipping away at my integrity. it really hurts inside.
was it really worth it? did i give too much a damn?
i want to scream, but when i open my mouth all that burst out is silence.
+listening to: nothingman by pearl jam
Thursday, April 24
| the final straw |  |
Wednesday, April 23
| the things people do | |
one of the more bizarre things i've come across lately: a priest went flying and disappeared. act of god? maybe.
apparently he set off in a bunch of helium filled party balloons and tried to fly to another city to raise funds for charity. while i must applaud his courage, his stupidity amuses me.
it's simply the stuff you dream of as a child, not actually carry out as an fully grown adult. what was he thinking? but then again, it's still pretty cool. i never thought it was possible! the inner child in me is dying to give it a try. seriously i'd give a leg to have a go if it can be guranteed that i come back in one piece. yeah i know, a bit paradoxical.
and on the now full-blown personal war against boredom front, i've also just finished the first 2 seasons of the wire. pretty good drama. hbo is always spot on in making their tv series look incredibly "real", something that other networks haven't been able to do. shows with too much special effects are kinda lame, i'll take the heavy on character types anyday. like the sopranos, which still remains my favourite show of all time, even though i'm heavily biased towards them gangster themed ones.
and facebook has a new chat feature! don't get me wrong i have not gone facebook mad, neither have i swallowed an elephant. i just find it quite a coincidence that right after i complained about starting a conversation with someone on their wall, they came up with an ingenious idea. kudos to facebook.
+listening to: under the bridge by red hot chili peppers
Tuesday, April 22
| ok facebook rocks... for once | |
i've always thought that friendster, facebook, et al. are synonyms of aimless social circle-jerking: largely targeted at formulating a mass illusion to make people feel good about their status/popularity in their "social network" based on how many friends they've got.
but how many of them actually matter?
then again that's besides the point, i'm not going to tread down that path. i want to thank facebook, at least for today, for helping me find a very good childhood friend who'd seriously gone MIA, whom i haven't heard from in 6 years.
i have tried various methods of tracking him down, but to no avail and then this morning all the stars seemed to align together - all it took was a few key strokes and simply hitting the search button and bam! the name popped up with photo id confirmation to boot.
literally within hours we started a conversation on the wall (you're probably more than familiar with that) before we realised it was quite retarded since there's msn, and the rest was history. lots of memories, lots of catching up to do.
so maybe these aimless social circle-jerks do serve useful purposes? i wouldn't know, i'm just a social conformist who sometimes does what everyone else does, albeit a rather thoughtless and occasionally unwilling one at that.
oh and before i forget, it's april 22 again: salút! to earth day.
peace.
+listening to: for the love of money by the o' jays
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Monday, April 21
| damaged goods | |
you haven't called home for 2 weeks. don't know how things are. couldn't care less. dad called yesterday, can't be bothered to pick it up. you just let the phone ring, until silence was restored once more.
feeling unwell. your respiratory tract feels like it's on fire. don't really give a damn.
haven't left your room for 2 days, except to eat and shower. reading, listening, reading. watching an occasional ant drown in the now 2 days old stale coffee.
looking out your window. you see walls. and what little of the sky that is visible. thinking about where you're going with this still verdictless life.
seems like everything you have ever done, you have failed to a certain degree. some more so than others. why can't things go the way you want. maybe you're doing it wrong. you wouldn't know.
you want to get out and see the world, but you feel you haven't earned the right. there are unfinished business. responsibilities, more responsibilities.
your life seems to be built around disappointments. you don't give up do you? but you want to, even before this new leg has begun. people kept telling you it will be tough, you just shrug is off thinking you can handle it, but can you?
you rarely show your true colours, what's going on inside, you don't want them to know. it's too dark, you feel insecure. you're not outgoing, you will never be. you have intimacy issues, you don't like people getting too close to you, you don't get close to others. it's your subconscious. everytime someone tries to approach you, you turn them away. you don't want to admit it, but maybe you're meant to be alone.
maybe the damage is irreversible.
+listening to: jeremy by pearl jam
Saturday, April 19
| once | |
it's 11.50 pm. i have no idea what i'm doing with my life.
morning was a blur of caffeine induced stomach cramps and absent-mindedness. sorry nick if i seemed not myself, usually it's the teacher's job to remind the student to pay attention, not the other way around. i wasn't doing it on purpose, just that there's too much on my mind. and i think i owe you another session on my dime.
on the way home. phone rang. i was overjoyed. damn... wrong person.
lunch was supposed to be nice, but somehow it's as though nothing has happened. the chatter was all fun and happy and all, but somehow it all seemed superficial. i was trying hard to hide the turbulence inside. i didn't want to be silent, i just wanted to keep talking, so the demons would be kept at bay and the voice be drowned out. i didn't want to lose it.
on the way home. longest train ride. i knew.
afternoon was nothing. silence. no, i had the mamasan trilogy playing in the background and i just sat. the turbulence has turned into an outlandish sense of obscurity. i feel... nothing. not numb, just nothing. void.
i lie in bed thinking, listening, thinking, listening. no. it's nowhere near the bottom yet.
i admit it, what's to say
i'll relive it without pain...
try and mimic what's insane
i'm in it... where do i stand?...
i got my hand in my pocket, so determined, discreet... i pray...
once upon a time i could control myself
once upon a time i could lose myself...
don't look down. once more. once.
+listening to: better not look down by b. b. king
Friday, April 18
BELIEVE
i was mad
it's as though nothing has happened
i shouldn't have stayed mad
it wasn't fair
i've stepped out of line
the timing was really uncalled for
when i needed to keep my cool
i lost it all
when you needed all the reassurances you can get
i turned away
i'm sorry
but...
but...
just believe a little bit
you can
you can
call me selfish or whatever
but just believe in yourself for once
if not for anyone else, for me
i want this one too badly
i'd give anything for this once
Wednesday, April 16
| i've found my song | |
some people can listen to a song over and over and over again and just keep going without ever getting sick of it. they call it "their song". few songs have done the same for me. and i think i've found my song, the one song that i'll never get tired of listening to and pouring my heart and soul into.
i can't think of any word to describe it other than beautiful - the feeling of losing yourself in it, crying yourself to sleep with it playing knowing everything will be better tomorrow. it's when the music speaks for you, talks to you, and you can finally scream out to the whole world whatever that's troubling you in your head without ever moving your lips. the silence so earth-shattering, the epiphany so ephemeral, the sorrow so real, the relief so fleeting.
Don't even think about reachin' me
I won't be home
Don't even think about stoppin' by
Don't think of me at all
I did, what I had to do
If there was a reason, it was you...
Don't even think about gettin' inside
Voices in my head, voices
I got scratches, all over my arms
One for each day, since I fell apart
I did, what I had to do
If there was a reason, it was you...
Footsteps in the hall, it was you, you
Pictures on my chest, it was you
It was you...
I did, what I had to do
And if there was a reason
Oh, there wasn't no reason, no
And if, there's something you'd like to do
Just let me continue, to blame you
Footsteps in the hall, it was you, you
Pictures on my chest, it was you, you
why do i do the things i do? will anyone ever understand? if there was a reason, it was because i believe in you...
+listening to: footsteps by pearl jam
