home

home. finally logged in to skype and called home. spoke for quite a while. a sigh of relief and a sense of comfort.

and dinner was nice. contemplated if i should. glad i did. haven't eaten out in a long time, a welcoming change to the monotony. and it also made me realize that maybe there are still friends who care. it's a warm feeling on a cold night.


+listening to: nothing

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missing

feb 13. clear. lately i've been seeing the world in streams of consciousness. it's like one of those dreams where the lapse of time is obscured. and you don't really remember when you'd fallen into the slumber.
 
for the first time i can recall, i'm desperately missing home. and all my good friends. it doesn't seem to make sense that all the good things have to come to an end. all i have to hold on to now are picture albums and birthday cards. the more i look at them the harder it is to put it away.

tomorrow i'll be a year wiser. new year's never used to mean anything to me. i've only just realized that you really only start to cherish something when you no longer have it.

my grandma would always tell me to make a wish on new year's eve. so i wish not for fortune or fame. but just a little bit of hope. and something nice to happen. anything to lift me out of this shade of gray that's all around...


+listening to: somebody to love by jefferson airplane

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&

love all, trust few
do wrong to none
see what you will but
don't contemn
say what you like but
don't ridicule


+listening to: nothing

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...

listen:




this is exactly how i'm feeling at this instant. it's like i'm digging myself further and further into the deep end. when that last drop of forget-it-all from the glass empties, then what?

Where all these worries
wear down on me will rise,
Where all these habits
pull heavy at my heart will die...

+listening to: digging a ditch by dave matthews band

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just me and my bicycle

the road beneath me and music in my ears. ride.










+listening to: vegabond by wolfmother

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the answer

i want to just give up. i really do. fuck.


+listening to: the prayer/the answer by andy timmons

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~

dear mr tesla,

i revere your work and all that you have done in the field of power and electricity for the good of all mankind. and i'm proud to say that the fields related to those that you have set the ground rules for are some of the few remaining subjects in this world that still gives me great pleasure in learning.

your idea of the 3-phase balanced transmission system is indeed an ingenious one. one which i had spent hours analyzing and continue to be fascinated by.

however i have let you down on this grave day, on which i thought i had all the knowledge and expertise on that particular subject. quite apparently i was mistaken. because when i saw the problem in front of my eyes i thought i knew intrinsically how to attack it. but the more i tried, the worse i faltered. and before i had the time to figure it out. time ran out.

i have failed you miserably. i'm sorry.


yours sincerely,
gd4nutin


+listening to: nothing

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first five-eighth

just found out that the six nations are starting this weekend. it seems like a long time since i thought or wrote about rugby. i'd forgotten how much i loved the game. how much i missed it.

i've been trying to find a way out, out of this present predicament i'm in. and i've been constantly questioning myself if i had what it takes. and then i forgot all those valuable lessons that i had learned, in those memorable 2 years and those unforgettable 7 months.


and then i realized that this had all along been a familiar situation, except this time i'm on a one-man team. nevertheless the goal remains the same: set out to win every game out there even though there's absolutely no chance of winning.

i'm scared. i'm always scared. i guess it is my way of telling myself that something is still on my mind. the moment i stopped being scared would be the instant that i decide to let go. i forgot how i managed those fears. i forgot how i shut them out and just focused.

it doesn't make sense that i'm always losing. but i've since learned that there's no shame in losing. what would be a shame is losing without giving fear a run for its money. i am the first five-eighth of my team. have been and always will be. like the charge of the light brigade into the valley of death i will follow my lead. to face myself.

can you see me now? i am myself.

rugby is a beautiful game wouldn't you say? in so many ways it mirrors this curious life we're in.


+listening to: typical situation by dave matthews band

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