the cycle unfortunately always comes around on itself. what was meant to be a victory somewhat has turned into yet another mishap in a series of tragedies. catastrophe some might even say. i'm too tired to be angry at myself. i've been awake for the last 18 hours. i gave it my best shot. but my best shot came up short yet again.
it's just starting to sink in. the hurt. i remembered how it felt. that's why i did all i can not to feel it again. the initial excitement of completing it is all but gone. sigh.
but today was not a complete waste. i got a reply on facebook. i'm relieved that my words did what it was intended and lifted up a person's spirit. maybe i have a gift with words. but then again it's a double edged sword. more often than not those rationalities hurt myself even more.
i don't like being down. i try to be positive. but most of the time i'm a man of circumstances. nevertheless a very good friend once told me to "stay strong". just those two austere, unpretentious syllables. stay strong. and so i continue to struggle because i need to stay strong. and i smile in the face of uncertainty because i have to stay strong.
+listening to: nothing
Wednesday, February 24
| the cycle |  |
| again | |
six numbers, one more to dial, before I'm before you. I tried to call, been busy all night, gave up waiting at daylight.
it's a familiar situation: i'm here. 4am. quiet. where's the break of dawn? am deeply disturbed about a friend in distress. seems like it's never been this bad and it's troubling me. i want to help but i don't know how, yet i feel indebted because the support and encouragement i got from this friend meant the world when i was in a pit.
what do i do. fuck.
+listening to: man on the side by john mayer
Monday, February 22
| flashback | |
on my way home from everitt lab today, i walked by the vivarium as usual, with nothing in particular on my mind. and then for an instant it just hit.
the flashback, of childhood memories from years gone by. i can't even tell for sure how old i was. i just remember the neon lit streets and the fading light on the way home from school. i guess it had something to do with the time of day and the street lightings.
it's not so much of the memory as it is the feeling; that distant yet strangely familiar state of mind. tranquility amidst turbulence: tranquil because of the sense of kinship, turbulent as a result of the realization of detachment from reality, even if it's just for a split second. i've been getting more of these things recently for reasons unknown. i'm puzzled.
+listening to: kundalini bonfire by dave matthews & tim reynolds
Sunday, February 21
| new music | |
dave matthews and tim reynolds live in las vegas. been waiting on that one for a while. i can't get enough of the duo. there's something about the chemistry of those two, and the earnestness of relying solely on acoustic instruments without any embellishments. it's... down to earth. in its rawest form.
sat down to finally learn some new music today. and i found out that playing guitar calms me down. when i feel the anxiety, i just need to pick up the guitar and pluck a tune or two. almost an instant sense of peace.
i present to you: justin king. this is a real piece or work. it's gonna take me a WHILE to learn this.
+listening to: kashmir by dave matthews & tim reynolds
Saturday, February 20
| , | |
woke up for the first time in many days with the feeling that the glass is half full. instead of the usual half-emptiness. i felt... hope.
last night was probably the best time i've had in a while by far. i can't even remember when's the last time i laughed so hard till my stomach ached. for that ephemeral but nonetheless serene few hours all the troubles went away. dropped facades. real joy. smiles all around.
i wanted to thank each and everyone who was there for no other reason just for being there. but then i thought it might come across as a little awkward. but then again i'm beginning to appreciate the tiniest things in life more than ever now. so if by the slightest chance any of you might be reading this, i want to say thank you. because i think you filled me with what seem like seeds of hope.
+listening to: neon by john mayer
Friday, February 19
| ^ | |
i've contemplated over whether i should go to sunday's dinner. it's been bugging me for a few days now.
i imagined a sober awakening, a re-entry into the social scene. then i imagined the looks, the questions without answers. and then i thought... screw it.
i'm too tired to care about what people think. and i'm tired of lying. they can go on ahead and think what they like. i'm me.
and i feel horrible for having to say no to darren time after time. he's trying hard to put a team together for midwestern games. so i think i'll go for football on sunday for the first time in many months, even if i'm not gonna be at midwestern games.
another quiz in 10 min. i feel sick to my stomach.
+listening to: nothing
Thursday, February 18
| what am i doing wrong | |
nothing feels quite as depressing than coming up short of your intended target. i knew as soon as i walked out of that room.
all the preparation and practices in the world didn't make it better. i thought i had everything. i thought i could finally stare that monster in the face and conquer it. all it took was one slip up. and panic sets in at the very last moment. it seems like nothing i do is ever good enough.
gone. just like that. i'm beat. tired. angry. at myself. i wish i would never have to wake up and face this error of a disproportionate magnitude, just slip into the depth of my desolation. there's no one to blame but me.
+listening to: nothing
