已经失去的不妨让它失去，至少不再耽于等待。一生中，可以有所作为的时候只有一次。那就是现在，然而，许多人却在悔恨过去和担忧未来之中浪费了大好时光。我就是其中的一个。可是，你又听得到我内心的寂寞？你又知道活在现在的痛？
用功读书吧。这也是我唯一的职责。
+listening to: present tense by pearl jam
Saturday, March 13
Thursday, March 11
| tell you what |  |
sometimes when someone says "...do you want to join us?"
i say "sure." but what i mean is only because i'm being polite and thank you for marginalizing me.
i cannot help but feel a poignant undertow of condescension even if you didn't mean it.
+listening to: one mint julep by ray charles
Wednesday, March 10
Monday, March 8
| renewed | |
a renewed sense of hope. even though when i look far beyond the horizon, it's still a whirlpool of dark waters, i'm just a little bit less weary, and a little bit less afraid.
because i know there will be people who'd back me up when i fall. and then i'd be able to claw back onto my feet and walk on.
if sadness is what happens when you turn your anger inwards, hope is what happens when you turn your happiness, outwards.
+listening to: i'll back you up by dave matthews
Sunday, March 7
Saturday, March 6
| unofficial | |
i was debating pretty much from when i woke up if i should go to the unofficial party last night. by the time i got done with my ece 430 quiz at around 3, i pretty much made up my mind to not show up and just shut myself in my room.
but by 5 o'clock i couldn't take it anymore. it was the feeling of suffocation. and i feared that i might go into a downward spiral again. so by 8.30 i headed for 711 west elm with no expectations. i just wanted some beer and then get the fuck out.
but the night turned out much differently than i thought. instead of rampant binge drinking people were all pretty much mild and controlled. drinking "responsibly" if you will. so i just sat in the corner with jacob playing the guitar and hugging a couple coronas. occasionally joining in the silly games taking place in front of me. the bottle caps kept hitting the floor, 3, 4, 5... but in my head i was perfectly calm and clear.
it was peace that i haven't felt in days. i think playing music really makes me happy. no matter how fucked up things are, music had always seemed to be there. and i guess i've learned to not care so much about what people think anymore. and so i don't have to put up all the pretenses and just be me.
i'm a bad motherfucker. take it or leave it.
+listening to: jimi thing by dave matthews band
Tuesday, March 2
| tales to take your breath away | |
i want to start reading again. it was something i really enjoyed in my younger days. the thirst for stories, the adventures, without ever setting foot outside my room. and here's the proposed reading list for the rest of the semester/summer, master pieces i've always wanted to read:
- Joseph Conrad "Heart of Darkness"
- Ernest Hemingway “The Undefeated” and “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”
- Franz Kafka “The Metamorphosis” and “In the Penal Colony”
- Rudyard Kipling “The Man who would be King”, “The Phantom Rickshaw” and “Black Jack”
- Robert Louis Stevenson "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"
- Leo Tolstoy “The Death of Ivan Ilych” and "Father Sergius”
+listening to: jimi thing by dave matthews band
» Read the Full Post of " tales to take your breath away "...
Monday, March 1
| a crazy heart | |
haven't spoken in days to anyone except for today. and then i spoke to 3 people today. the 2 guys, and then professor levinson. it was a really humbling experience, a real conversation with someone wise and understanding. he wasn't like the rest of them who just looked down and and put a label on me. he believed that i wanted to be here and that i could turn this thing around.
i think it's the reassurances that i need. life is so short of those. i've always been giving people reassurances that i forgot how much i needed them myself. to have someone tell you that you can do this. a 4.0 gpa is not impossible.
oh and i'll definitely remember this famous line for the rest of the semester: "stop pussying around and get your shit together." - the scrumhalf tells his coach.
+listening to: hello trouble by buck owens
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