| pictures speak |  |
i just love photos like these. there's so much things that's unsaid yet intrinsically understood, like the difference between being alone and being lonely...
and i also chanced upon this quote:
if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. -thoreau
it made me think very hard. there's a storm brewing in my head...
| #453 | |
so i gave in to temptation because i really really wanted to watch kick ass. took a bus to the cinema, and then took a bus back. though i did feel kinda extra, the way that i just sort of tagged along for the movie, because i've always been taught never to show up uninvited. that's just the way i am brought up. people may not understand, but it's okay. a lot of times i feel like a one man island, because i don't think there's anyone out there who gets it, completely.
and i also refused a ride home from a friend's friend, because other than showing up unannounced in the first place, i don't want it to seem like i want to be friends just because you have a car or something else that would benefit me in some way. i want to be friends because i truly value your friendship. i want to be friends because it would mean a lot to me to be your friend. that's also partially the reason why i choose to always ride my bike. because i hate asking people for rides. maybe nobody would ever understand me, but that's perfectly okay too. i just don't believe in compromising character. i won't say if it is right or wrong, people can make their judgments. i just believe in always staying true to myself and being genuine. and maybe hoping to feel those rare moments of sincerity and kindness peering back at me. i am a person who NEEDS to sense that camaraderie in a world around me that's filled with friends with benefits, materialism/consumerism, hypocrisy, etc. etc. the human connection in the most basic sense is what keeps me going.
i said before that i would ride to the cinema, but after 50 miles or so in the morning i'm kinda saddle sore. my legs are fine but sitting on the saddle for another hour would be really uncomfortable to say the least. well there's always next time.
riding fixed gear is not just a fashion or a trend. it's not about the rolled up jeans, or cut off shorts. or the janitor keychain thing, or the mini ulock in the back pocket. it's about not buying upgrades, but riding up grades. it's about walking in the shoes of the countless many hinault's, coppi's, indurain's, merckx's and the constant pedaling, not stopping, knowing you have to go through the next intersection, and the one after that. it's also about appreciation of beauty, knowing the difference between braze-ons and lugs. i'd like to think it's pure, i'd like to think i'm a purist in many ways. but maybe i'm just idealizing things.
i've always aspired to ride like emi from mash. but then again, no one rides like emi, no one even comes close:
+listening to: i'm your captain by grand funk railroad
| #452 | |
Sometimes not having a car means knowing that you'd be less socially empowered. But that's okay because I love riding my bike. One of these days after exams I will ride my bike to the cinema to watch kick ass, which i kinda wanted to watch for quite a while. I can already see the jokes coming but it doesn't bother me. Because that is me. I know I can do it. I just know.
+listening to: inside looking out by grand funk railroad
| again | |
why does it keep happening, the same scenario played over and over again. week after week. going there thinking i've done everything there is to prepare, panicking in the midst of it when the words and figures they stare back blankly at my face, coming out feeling depressed. disappointed.
every time i get defeated it takes a piece away from me, and all i could do is sit on my saddle and think about how i could have done it better. and then drown myself in the music. the only place where i feel safe, the only place where i could feel good about myself.
so i rode into the night, 29 mph. gotta do better than that. gotta do better. everything.
+listening to: song for a friend by jason mraz
| conversation with no-one | |
hello how are you doing today, oh i'm doing fine. i hope i find you feeling healthy. i'm so glad our paths crossed today, on our way into the night. it's such a nice day out, i'm sitting here looking out my window and the leaves they rustle in the wind. what about you? do you imagine yourself being a leaf on a tree, rather than just another brick in the wall, or a passenger on a train to nowhere? it's okay, you don't have to say a word, i don't care no more, so don't you worry. i don't know what's going on anymore but it feels like i'm already halfway there.
there. it's a place i don't want to go. you wouldn't understand, because you don't know me. sometimes i wished there was someone who would listen, who would understand. a friend, a stranger, anyone. but then i had always put up a wall around me so thick it's almost impossible to break it down. almost...
+listening to: granny by dave matthews band
| #448 | |
you know that thing you do when you sync wizard of oz with dark side of the moon playing?
well, watching mash sf with the sound turned off, and then playing welcome to schubas as the background soundtrack could be one of the most carefree things i've ever discovered.
wish i could forget everything and just fall asleep now and wake up tomorrow. as james taylor would put it, then it's me and my machine, for the rest of the morning, for the rest of the afternoon, and the rest of my life.
just received another text message from dad. i hadn't called home in 3 weeks. i dunno why there were tears after i hung up. it's just when i think about it, there's so much in the unsaid. and it just hurts inside. it hurts.
+listening to: welcome to schubas by jason mraz
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