| an intricate study in characters of two series in parts |  |
i've decided to do something fun this time. sort of as a hobby. see how it turns out. the series in questions shall be House M.D. starring my favourite actore Hugh Laurie and also the little known and unfortunately now cancelled Huff. everything's in the works, i just love shows that are heavy on character
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| the human connection | |
When you're talkin to yourself, And nobody's home. You can fool yourself, You came in this world alone... that's how the song estrange started out, and estranged is perhaps the perfect word to describe my state of emotional well-being recently.
i feel pretty distant from the people around me. maybe it's from not talking to them for too long. even when they are right in front of me, i seem to be lost for words. not knowing what to say. well maybe it's just a transient thing, that will pass with time. i just need to get used to it. it's weird how that i can never relate to people around me the way i used to be able to in school. like how i saw a friend at mrt today, and he patted my shoulder and i turned around and all i could mutter out was "hey" and that was it. i was just standing there not knowing what to say. and this was just after talking to him on msn the day before.
anyway today i went to rekindle some old friendships, having lunch with people from my 1J/2J class. it was comforting though, doing a lot of catching up and seeing how we could still just talk rubbish non stop. but somehow everyone has grown up quite a bit. the little fun attitude things have disappeared unfortunately, because it wasn't as volatile as we used to be, but still fun nontheless. we complained generally about jobs, army and stuff, all this while stuffing ourselves to the brim with sushi (it was a bloody buffet lunch...) and in the end everyone was all stuffed and satisfied. it was a great experience, having lunch with a bunch of people who are just as friendly as if they were still in the same class as u after 4 years of being in different classes plus now that we've graduated. memories of those most hilarious years in secondary schools are slowly coming back. it was a hell of a ride those two budding years. it was just a bottle-rocket of pure raging hormones all bunched up in a classroom way too small to contain our collective egos. i am still surprised that we all made it through alive somehow and turned into quite decent young men. go figure...
| Revelation! | |
what's the big revelation? one might ask. it's the book! SLASH! finally laid my grubby meathooks on it today. i was so tempted to get the hardcover version, but the 20 dollar premium on 2 pieces of cardboard hardly seems to justify any rational reasoning. so i got the paperback version. same difference. good read nontheless. it's really one of the best things that's happened to me in recent days, reading about your childhood hero, coz slash has been THE penultimate, real guitar hero there will ever be. he's style and playing speaks to me. and he is the reason i started playing guitar in the first place. plus he's a cool dude! just watch the interview with conan o'brian, it's hilarious
| the excitement finally dies down | |
earning your first dollars really gives you something of a feeling. it's the feeling of getting paid for what you have done or been doing before. i guess it has something to do with knowing subconsciously that somehow you are on your way to independence, that washes away the guilt that comes with asking for allowance.
after the excitement has finally died down, like now, it's time to move on to the next step - find more students! yes and try to save as much as i can to at least go somewhere in asia, maybe korea or japan or something. i really wanna go skiing.
and i have decided to spend my hard earned money i earned from my first lesson on a book.
a very insightful read if you are even slightly into guns n' roses or velvet revolver or just wanna have a glimpse of a rock legend's life. it's just pure sex, drugs, and fucking rock n roll.
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| Fight or Flight | |
Every system has its built in defence mechanism. beings as we have discussed before, much like ourselves, are of no exception. except ours has a name, we call it "fight or flight".
when do you know it's time to fight and when do you know it's time for flight? nobody can really explain it. it has everything to do with the amount of fear that is present in us and our own personal threshold for fear.
regretfully, as a being, i have quite a low threshold for fear. i get scared easily. but i am glad to say that i can mask it pretty well. but that does not eliminate the fear, it simply means i'm actively trying to shift the fight or flight balance towards the fight end a little bit more.
maybe that's why i like to do things the last minute, because i'd like to give myself the illusion that i'm indeed fleeing from the situation when i cannot, and at the last minute having to face the music. well some people may simply interpret that as a classic symptom of laziness. yeah i sort of agree, after all, all men are pigs right?
but then again sometimes i think my indecision offend and hurt people. sometimes i dunno what to make of a difficult decision. i told a good friend off today about a stupid gig that i am uncomfortable doing, because maybe i'm too chicken shit scared of it. it took him messaging me twice to make me finally tell him what my decision was. and i think i truly pissed him off. it's the whole thing about saying no when someone asks "could u do it for me?..." sort of question.
another good friend just had his knee reconstruction surgery done. and i honestly wanna go visit. but i can't stand the thought of seeing the aftermath of a surgery, knowing that someday i might have to undergo the same thing. i just wanna run away from it. not that i do not care, but sometimes people have their reservations for various reasons.
and it doesn't help that i'm trying to run away from writing that last application essay that absolutely has to get done. i have let it drag over the weekend, over monday, and after a whole day of doing absolutely nothing, i'm still trying to shrug away from that responsibility, to myself. it's pathetic.
and yes tomorrow is the absolutely end of the world for me as i start my tutoring career. i do not know what to expect, i do not know how to teach, i do not know how to handle kids, i do not know if i'll get fired. i am just nervous, and scared, and clueless, and ill prepared, and not ready. I WANT TO RUN AWAY.
i wish our defence mechanism was designed with just 1 option. not a 50/50 thing, it would make life a whole lot easier. but then again, would that life be worth living. fight or flight... i smile when i get scared, do you? so what so I've got a smile on, its hiding the quiet superstitions in my head...
| New Love | |
Totally random occurrences, called coincidences, happen all the time. today was one such occasion.
I have always seen the record in record stores just lying around there, gathering dust. no one seems to bother to even look at it. maybe it's because it looks spartan, unpretentious, austere and unobtrusive. it's just a cardboard sleeve with some less than interesting words in colour.
My god was i so wrong before about it. this has got to be the BEST record i have heard in a long long time. it jus gets u thinking about tonnes of things, stirs ur emotions, gives u goosebumps, makes u wanna puke after u're done thinking about everything. the song "another kind of green" and "wait until tomorrow" just are absolutely stunning and keeps playing in my head, i can't seem to get them out. and the tone is just BLISS, the chimey fender-ish clean that just gives u a serene sense of existence. and when mayer goes into a solo, it's just mind boggling - the sweetest overdriven mudhoney-butterscotch-caramel-suger-rush blackface breakup you've ever heard, and his playing is spot on. damn i'm gonna be listening to it over and over again for a while...
| rugby | |
I believe in the blood on the pitch, the jammed fingers, the broken ankles. I believe in rubber balls, knee socks, and pouring sweat. That we really are Barbarians, and that's why we wear our own logos. I believe in mud in every crevice of the body, that we are 15 as 1, that the try zone is home. I believe in the split play, the crash, and bananas, I believe in nicknames, tears of joy, pain of defeat, striped collared shirts, one shining moment. I believe in tourney season, that pain is progress. I believe in our mantra, that socials are the only true way to lose or win with grace. I believe that glory is fleeting, that Zulu's are a blessing, and that the line will always have my back. And above all else, I believe in the love of the game. This is what I play. This is what I love. RUGBY IS LIFE.
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