life has a funny way of reminding me of the things that are important. as my playlist shuffled for the umpteenth time, the song "daughter" came up again.
as it turned out today's fathers day, as i was hastily given a wake-up call by a friend while chatting online in the wee hours of the morning. it's a touchy subject for me, because i was never close to my father, well maybe when i was a little kid. as i was growing up my dad often had to travel, and there was a period of maybe 6 years that he worked in hong kong and i would only get to see him twice a year.
i guess "daddy wasn't there" would be somewhat appropriate here. i don't really know what went on in my still malleable young mind when i was growing up, but i remember feeling resentful, not angry, but resentful. and then there was that hint of disappointment, that dad couldn't really make it to the occasions that really mattered to me: seemingly insignificant award ceremonies, when i learnt to ride a bike, etc. i would cry myself to sleep sometimes because all the other dads were there to cheer their sons on. and i'd only get to talk to my dad on the phone to tell him what i'd done.
maybe the crucial "bonding years" had been lost. then when i finally got to see my dad a lot, i found that we didn't have much to say to each other anymore, because our worlds are completely isolated from each other. he went on and about his work, and i delved into music, sports. i even tried to avoid doing the things that my dad liked. i was afraid that we might have to be in the same place at the same time.
but looking back at these years, it's starting to seem a little silly. i guess i never completely got over those resentful emotions that i kept welled up when i was a kid. it wasn't really daddy's fault. but mending a relationship wouldn't be overnight's work either. it would take time, and a miracle.
i never used to believe in miracles. everything was so absolute. it is either there or it isn't. everything was in perfectly distinguishable black and white. there were no shades of grey. but i think i've changed. i've met some people, made some good friends. and my perceptions have altered.
one of my favourite sequence/scene from a movie is from this one called "elizabeth town". it was about a road trip, that was supposed to have taken place between a father and son. the road trip did eventually take place, but it was a little late albeit being a beautiful experience. the same friend who had initially brought to my attention the fact that today was father's day had also urged me to take on a similar road trip with my own dad. i didn't really give it any serious thought at the time, but today i've had some moments when i reflected upon what he'd said. and i think he might be right. i might just do it after all.
so here's one to all the fathers out there. you make us proud.
+listening to: daughter by pearl jam
Sunday, June 21
| fathers |  |
Friday, June 19
| firewall | |
awesome. i can't access blogger again.
i want to avoid sounding really daft and dark, but i'm not really a fan of pretense either. so bear with the emo-ness of this post. it reflects what really goes on inside. as it is, verbatim.
the excitement of going home has really worn off at break-neck speed this time. and when i woke up from the slumber of my afternoon nap, everything just felt so dull. i've lost my appetite too, which isn't really what i'd call a pleasing sign. this time is just different. there's no trace of that novelty, everything was just the way they were when i left them a year ago. i am starting to miss everyone and everything already. maybe i shouldn't have gone, then it wouldn't have hurt as much.
a song that i love says that it "makes much more sense to live in the present tense". i know it makes perfect sense, but the murmur of the heart is hard to ignore. i'm starting to question the decisions i had made in my life so far, are they the right things to do? what would have been different? maybe i'm just running away from the problems. i've always been running away from problems. redigesting past regrets, have i the belief that the path ahead ascends into the light?
this isn't supposed to happen. everything should stay the way they are, forever. i hate change. i used to be happy a year ago. i don't understand. i check my facebook every two seconds to see if someone has written something on my wall, i've been staring at the screen of my computer for hours hoping someone would come talk to me on msn.
nothing.
have i any idea how would this life end?
Thursday, June 18
| leaving | |
once again i'm sitting here all alone in my room typing the last words before i leave singapore. i did pretty much the same thing no less than a year ago.
this short month had been utterly enjoyable for me. everyone around me had been utmost accommodating and i couldn't really ask for anything more.
so here it is, thank you and good bye. hopefully i'll see you sooner than later.
+listening to: nothing
Tuesday, June 16
| mind in a mess | |
i took the last bus home from boon lay interchange and ended up oversleeping. just spent 45 minutes walking home and finally got back at 1.15am. why are things so screwed up.
when i got home there was a letter waiting for me. my failure to conform to required standards had resulted in serious consequences for next semester. it's all down to the TGPA (technical gpa) argh... i guess i really screwed up the ECE classes last semester. this is a failure of epic proportions and it's nobody's fault but mine. this holiday shall be devoted to turning my life around, because i refuse to give up.
hence begins a new journey and another challenge to overcome. suddenly my purposeless holiday had a jolt of life injected into it. there's something to work towards again. all i ask is that you look upon me with the same gaze as before, or maybe include me in your prayers no matter your faith, if you like.
i believe that the greatest failure is when you fall down and you stay down. and there's no way i'm staying down.
Monday, June 15
Friday, June 12
| lost | |
i'm finally back on track with lost season 5. been watching it almost non stop. but that's a story for another day.
today was the last training session, for real. i guess rugby for me here in singapore has come to a halt. this is the end. everything has come full circle.
it's hard for me to put the kind of feeling into words now. it's hard to swallow the fact that this might be the last time that i'll ever set foot into hwa chong, onto the familiar pitch, where countless hours are spent perfecting that place kick, savoring every moment that i ever had to just have a run on the wide open space, or just day dreaming under the setting sun that one day we might just get a chance to play here.
i know this place... every inch of turf, every pot hole. the familiar scent, the change of winds. the temptation of the goal posts, the jubilation of a successful drop goal. breathlessness, unquenchable thirst. every drop of sweat and blood, that gratifying spring in your steps. it's a magical place, it's my theater of dreams.
i feel a little lost, but assured at the same time that some good will come out of it. it's been like this and it will always be like this. we've all shared the same experience: that leap of faith, writing your name on the sheet of paper with a horribly scribbled "hc rugby" for the first and last time. and then you were "in", putting your trust in people you've never even met before. but it had always turned out just fine because we've always had kind hearted people, crazy people, passionate people, who had carried one another and continued on a proud tradition of this game that we've all come to love.
i'm lost for words. so, for one last time: hwa chong, whoosh!
+listening to: try by john mayer trio
Thursday, June 11
| the cure for boredom is | |
island creamery... NOT
a couple of maniacs came up with the idea of going to island creamery for a spontaneous outing at roughly 9.20 pm. and 9.30 pm i was downstairs hitching a ride. and 9.45 we were all sitting down, chilling out and having scoops of lovely ice cream. the place closes at 10 btw.
it's kinda retarded, but fun too. all the hassle just for a couple scoops of ice cream. what an excuse to hang out. haha
all thanks to the enthusiasm of peiyi and yc, they inspired me to go. i wouldn't have gone otherwise. ha
+listening to: green thumb by tommy emmanuel
Monday, June 8
| carefree days | |
awesome text message from dad: "did you call me yesterday? because my phone shows you called but i didn't receive any calls from you."
erm... it's called a missed call for a reason -_-" it's just like the other time my dad sent me another awesome message right before a game: "good luck. i'll be proud of you if you win." does that mean if i lose the opposite is true?
i love my dad's unintentional sense of humor.
today would have been an awesome day if not for the building works going on BOTH upstairs and downstairs. we're in an economic recession for pete's sake, so stop wasting money on renovating and remodeling your houses! there are people out there starving!
i'm gonna need a pair of heavy duty ear muffs soon. i guess this is how an economic stimulus plan usually works: put a substantial sum of money in the hands of certain dumbass individuals so they can squander it away while the rest of us are forced to spend out of our own pockets to offset their stupidity.
+listening to: free fallin' by john mayer
