The Big moment has finally arrived. Wed, Dec 19 2007. i'm kinda ahead by about 13 hours of US Estern Standard Time, less they already started using the Daylight Saving bullshit which i think they did (if i rmb correctly, the last sunday of october or something). so by tomorrow morning i should know if the course of my fate has been decided the way i wanted it to be.
i been thinking about all that i have done for the past 6 years. some things i'm immensely proud out, some other things that i'm less proud of, and some of the things i'm desperately trying to forget or couldn't care less about.
thinking back, i think JC life has taught me a lot. if there's one thing that i learnt in JC, it's that if you want something, you gotta go get it yourself. because nobody will get it for you. i guess that's the basic philosophy of life, of the cruelty and the harsh reality of an adult life. and i think i'm beginning to see things in a different, more realistic light.
i know that once i go to university things will be more like the outside, unprotected world. i'm gonna have to start taking care of myself. independence i must learn, survival skills i must acquire. so many things that i have to do. at the same time i'm anxious. i can't wait to go to university, to meet new people, to see different things. i believe there's another whole new world out there waiting for me. freedom seems not that far away any more.
so i'm praying hard now, to no particular deity or superior being. i'm just praying that i can get what i've always wanted. i know that the slip of paper's probably sitting somewhere on some admission committee member's desk waiting to be mailed or sitting in the computer database. i just hope it says what i want it to say.
for once pls gimme what i want, for i don't desire many things and seldom do i truly get what i wish for... just this one time.
Tuesday, December 18
| Judgement |  |
Monday, December 17
| Believer | |
...Heavenly Highway Hymns. Reminds me of a young J.R. Cash singing away in the fields on a farm down in Dyess, Arkansas.
But it also reminds me of a powerful documentary that i have seen recently entitled Jesus Camp. it tells of the Evangelical Christians and their "voracious" method of converting people, and especially using Kids to do so, and their annual gatherings, way of life, etc. I'm not being biased or whatsoever, hence the inverted comas for the word voracious. if anything i couldn't find another more neutral word.
I guess it is just the way of how certain people do certain things. and i do not doubt that those kids truly believe that their lives are touched by J.C. but I can't help feeling a bit uncomfortable that at such a tender age they are being pressured with the moral burden of confessing their sins and getting "born again". This is not a judgement, for i know the fact is that 80 percent of Evangelical Christians get born again before the age of 13. i'm simply feeling sympathetic towards those kids. what touched me was that one kid came forward during a confession session to say that he had a hard time believing in J.C. and he would really like to change that, and he started crying. it was one of the most innocent and beautiful scenes i've seen. the look on that kid's face just speaks of an unspeakable melancholic sadness.
anyways, these few days have provided for a breather, a break from the hectic schedules of late. i can finally sit down and do some serious readings again, which i have not done since i dunno when. book of the moment: the language of sycamores by lisa wingate. but i'm sure whoever's reading already know that =). thanks for the book!
Saturday, December 15
| Man In Black | |
Well, you wonder why I always dress in black,
Why you never see bright colors on my back,
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone.
Well, there's a reason for the things that I have on.
I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down,
Livin' in the hopeless, hungry side of town,
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime,
But is there because he's a victim of the times.
I wear the black for those who never read,
Or listened to the words that Jesus said,
About the road to happiness through love and charity,
Why, you'd think He's talking straight to you and me.
Well, we're doin' mighty fine, I do suppose,
In our streak of lightnin' cars and fancy clothes,
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back,
Up front there ought 'a be a Man In Black.
I wear it for the sick and lonely old,
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold,
I wear the black in mournin' for the lives that could have been,
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men.
And, I wear it for the thousands who have died,
Believin' that the Lord was on their side,
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died,
Believin' that we all were on their side.
Well, there's things that never will be right I know,
And things need changin' everywhere you go,
But 'til we start to make a move to make a few things right,
You'll never see me wear a suit of white.
Ah, I'd love to wear a rainbow every day,
And tell the world that everything's OK,
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back,
'Till things are brighter, I'm the Man In Black
Wednesday, December 12
| it's been a while, my friend: i can see clearer, now that that i'm blind... | |
the recollection of time and events, sets me back in this wonderfully nostalgic mood...
the class chalet made me think once more. i haven't really thought in a while. things haven't been the smoothest lately. actually they haven't been going smoothly at all. just before i went to chalet, i got the email that informed me of the uncertain nature of my pending application, of the inability on the school's part to come to a conclusion. i was devastated. because as the deadline draws nearer, the chances becomes slimmer.
as i have often thought, before i have come to the conclusion, that "there's a silver lining in every cloud". while growing up, i realized, however, that sometimes there isn't. some are just impenetrable, dark clouds which stretches into the oblivion. the night i got really drunk, i was depressed and tired. i dunno what got into me, but a sense of sadness just overwhelmed me. strangely, i thought it was beautiful. a world full of joy seems ideal, but at the same time it is shallow. by that i meant thoughtless joy, those foolish moments that happen for no reason. real joy however ought to be cherished, like love, friendship and serenity.
that same night, even though i was under the influence, i saw everything clearer. i saw genuine sadness, real joy, acts of kindness and love. it was like the world of emotions was before me, demonstrated in the most simple and elegant ways possible. as the night grew longer, i was slowly losing consciousness. it felt great. the bottles kept emptying, and i felt more at ease with myself. strange thoughts flooded my head. emotions were intensified. i remember sitting in the dark room at first, while a friend passed out on the bed. another friend came and sat beside me. we talked. i dunno what i said. he cried. i remember at that moment feeling guilty because it somehow seemed wrong to make another person cry. anyone for that matter. he told me the last time he cried was during his grandpa's funeral. i felt naked, exposed, but at the same time comforted that those emotions shown to me by others around me are real, unembellished. it was a loving gesture and i just remember feeling relieved.
to be continued...
Saturday, December 8
Thursday, June 22
| ... | |
a lot of things happend in the last 48 hours. my confidence for math has been obliterated after attending the "consultation" session with my math tutor. i watched lost episode 13 (i think), and i didn't watch any of the matches.
and i got laughed at my ppl in sch for my hair. but that's the least of my concerns for now. blocks is really getting to me. i'm pissed off and confused.
haiz...
Tuesday, June 20
| the hard life | |
5 days to the blocks... oh well there's the obstacles in life that we have to overcome. this holiday is about the most boring holiday i've ever had. and honestly speaking i've never really studied hard this whole time. i can't force myself to study, even if i sit at a desk for hours, i'd be jus wasting time and my mind would inevitably wonder elsewhere...
i'm in dire need of freedom, but at the present i'm not having any of it. lucky me there's still the world cup that keeps my spirits alive, but i'm kinda worried as to how i would make it thru the june holidays next year alive though.
right now there's this huge gang bang going on outside my place jus downstairs on the field, some sort of soccer tornaments. there's like a million kids, well not exactly, more like youths jus playing their ass off, and in the process making a lot of noise. i can't really focus, guess i'll jus have to wait till after dinner, where i have some quiet time to really site down and do some work.
time is running out and my mind is still a blank slate, i'm really scared this time, scared of failure. i hate failures, it makes me feel inferior. i haven't really felt inferior in a long time, i guess i'll jus have to deal with it. i really wanna get out, to go experience the world, but i sort of know that i have to conquer myself first, that is true character - the mark of a man.
seize the day i heard him say, life won't always be this way. look around, hear the sounds, cherish your life while you're still around... carpe diem
Saturday, June 17
| gone but not forgotten | |
it's been a while since i blogged. taken a huge hit on thursday. well pete left for good, gone back to OZ...
it didn't really occur to me how until the day before... after i went to his house jus to hang out. we did some random shit, i gave him the vans with the card in it and felt pretty good. i thought that was a good bye, you know sort of a friendly "hey cya man".
then thursday came, i couldn't do shit the whole day, i couldn't concentrate. something jus got stirred inside me, and all the memories came flooding in by the truckloads. i got hit by a hurricane. and then at 5, him and his dad came over. we didn't talk much, i remember saying to him spain caned ukraine, and he said yea. it's almost like we became strangers. there was a period of silence, we didn't know what to say to each other, we didn't even look at each other in the eye. i was afraid of what might happen. then his dad said they'd better get moving coz they're leaving for the airport at 6... we got up and i gave him a bear hug... it was the silent goodbye... we shook hands, like 3 times and i still remember the lift door closing, we jus stared, lingering, and then the final closure of those heavy, metallic slates. it's like something put a lid on my head, clamped it shut. my heart jus dropped. i felt fucked up.
then before i went down at abt 5.30, pete sent me a message saying goodbye for the last time, i remember staring at my phone and jus crying out loud... i cried, i cried my heart out for the first time in years. i can't even remember when's the last time i cried. time stood still and again all the memories jus hit me like and avalanche. i was devastated, i crumbled, something in me died.
i had no idea i cared so much. all these 7 years i jus took pete for a friend, not that i didn't give a shit, but it's like we're such good friends i almost took him for granted. i love him (not like gay or anything), loved him as a friend. he's almost like a brother to me. i had the best times of my life here and having a friend like that is jus awesome...
then at 8, before he boarded, he messaged me again, to say goodbye yet again, i told him i cried, and i can vividly remember that reply "dun worry man, everyone cries". i cried again for the 2nd time that day, this time with a certain smile on my face, i was sad but this time i somehow forgave myself for crying, it's not shameful anymore, it was okay to cry...
i doubt i'll get over it, everytime i think of the day pete left, tears still swell up in my eyes. it's only been 2 days since pete left and soccer hasn't been like the way it used to be without pete. i fell really bad, took some skin off my knee, fucked up my hip and my archilles. but it was ok. somehow i think pete's leaving changed me, i'm not the same person i used to be... i dunno, i jus realised i cared much more about what's around me than i thought... i think i've grown up
