today was the bittersweet ending to a fairytale, no... a tale of brilliance, of failures, of hopes and banes, of disappointments and heartwarming moments, and of dreams and beliefs.
it seems like just yesterday that i was thinking about the arduous journey of the months ahead. planning, doubting my own abilities and determination, being lost and confused. looking back, it did become a monumental struggle - to be disappointed time and time again, and trying to stay positive, trying to keep my faith, hoping and believing.
people have always told me not to get my hopes up, because i will get hurt deeply if things don't turn out well. i knew that all along, but no matter how hard i tried to detach myself from the reality, i couldn't. it means too much to me, this game, this team.
i have never devoted myself in such entirety before, and i don't think there will be many more instances where i'll be doing that again. but i'm really glad that i took the road less traveled. for once i've let go of all the voices inside of my head telling me what to do and just did what i felt was the right thing. i did what i wanted to do deep down, i did what i knew i had to do.
and i can't help but think about those times when i felt so down and hopeless about the state of things that i wanted to give up. i'm glad i didn't, i'm glad that i stuck it out. seeing these boys, no, gentlemen slug it out under the glaring afternoon sun even though i was screaming at them at the top of my lungs, everything just seemed to make sense to me now.
i still remember one of my earlier remarks when i chose to embark on this journey, that when i look over my shoulder come time for me to leave, i'd see them not as individuals but as one - honestly it was merely wishful thinking, but it did happen.
and i'm thankful for that, for those magnificently painful and unforgettably saccharine memories. i feel as though i've done something that i can be truly proud of; i feel as though i've planted the seeds of passion that may one day see itself at full bloom.
the strange thing is, i think they have taught me as much as i hope i've taught them. the lessons i had in humility were staggering. it made me look down in shame, and reflect about my values and perspectives on other people. i am used to being judgmental about everything, that's until i was truly humbled by some of their words and deeds.
and now more than ever, they made me realize just how much i love my school, my alma mater. looking at them doing the whoosh seem to turn back the clock to those moments right before the matches were about to start, wearing my school crest on my chest, squeezed tightly in a huddle. these are also the same people who made me realize that if i had a chance to do it all over again, and i get to play for whichever team i want, i'd still play for hwachong, over and over again.
was it worth all the trouble? no. it's worth infinite times more, it's worth every day, every hour, every minute and every second of it. i lived for those moments.
there're things in life that one would bound to forget, but for me, this chapter of my life would always linger back there somewhere in my mind. i can't even begin to think about asking for anything more.
so this is it... scorned ashes, rising flames...
Monday, June 9
| scorned ashes, rising flames |  |
Sunday, June 8
| lost in transit | |
Image via Wikipediaheadache, headache.
what i thought was a no-brainer task turned out to be a true pain in the ass. i have a habit of doing that. hmm.
it's that time of year before college starts where one starts to make the final preparations. so i jostled my lazy ass into actually doing something useful on the computer for once - booking my flight to chicago.
now after looking at several online travel agent, i realized that getting the time of arrival to suit my needs is a monumental challenge. most flights arrive in the afternoon (local chicago time) and by the time i get off the bus from the airport to the school, it would have been pretty late in the evening. and that poses huge logistical problems concerning accommodation, food, and reporting to the international students office.
and when i do find several flights that arrive pretty early in the morning, they are either from unknown airlines (jet air anyone? no?) or present the passengers with a rather generous and leisurely transit time of... 12 FREAKING HOURS.
what the hell on earth am i supposed to do with 12 hours stuck at some miserable airport? rewrite the history of human civilization? ludicrous.
so i guess it really leaves me with no other options than keep looking. crying mommy isn't really a viable option now that i've grown up. hopefully this time i can do something right, even though it might seem like the easiest thing in the world - hauling your own ass to school.
and i'm fully looking forward to tomorrow: that adrenaline rush even before getting off the bus, that smell of fresh morning dew on the pitch, that place where it all began, awaits,
One Last Time
...
The biggest regret in my life,
I've let my love go
...
+listening to: honor thy father by dream theater
Friday, June 6
| my first XV | |
as i'm nearing the end of my very short but meaningful rugby coaching "career", here's a look at the first XV. thank you for all the precious memories and the good times. it's kinda hard to forget.
#1: To be determined. #2: Michael - the funny guy who could never shut up or fail to put a smile on my face when i'm trying to be serious.
my "Jerry Flannery": keep throwing them lethal hook throws and being there at the breakdown and irritating the shit out of the opponent. you know you can handle the ball, you know you've got the skills. do the basics right, keep your head down, work, work, and work some more. maintain your confidence and just go for it!
#3: Terence - one word, "monster".
my "Phil Vickery": you've got the strength and power to makan anyone for breakfast, lunch and dinner on the pitch. dominate the opponent at every scrum. crush them. crumple them. and continue being the tour-de-force with the ball in hand. don't bother side stepping, you know it'll be easier to just trample over them!
#4: Elson - the even-more-vulgar-than-me one.
my "Chris Jack": don't be disappointed over the lack of some serious pace even though i'm sure you've got plenty to go around. your passion is infectious and your dynamism is what makes you stand out. just look around a bit more, coupled with the will to clean up every breakdown and the pretty damn good show of handling skills, you'll become a lock to be reckoned with!#5: To be determined. 
#6: Jian fei - soft spoken but sure as hell packs a punch.
my "Jerry Collins": you are the bed rock of the back-row and your physically robust approach sets up a platform for the rest to excel. shut the opposition's attack out at every set play and carry the ball to and over the defensive line at every opportunity. you can be the nicest guy off the pitch, but once you take a step onto the green, give it to them!
#7: Yier - the go-to guy if you want a chiropractor, who erm doesn't just reset your bone structure, but tends to break a few too without really intending any harm.
my "Richie McCaw": you know you've got what it takes to be the best open-side flanker in the business. your awareness and that hard physical edge you bring to the game will carry you far beyond the opposition defense. and it goes without saying that please, don't stop making those bone-crunching big hits that make the opponents wish they'd never been born!
#8: Yu teng - the future number 8, who always keeps me on my creative toes to make the trainings better, harder.
my "Zinzan Brooke": the drive to continuously better yourself will always get you to the other side of the gain line and place you at the front of every ruck and maul. continue to one-up those around you and strive to get the best out of every single one of them. be on the constant lookout at the base of the scrum. be aware, create space!
#9: Alex - the self-motivated quiet guy with a big, Big heart.
my "Augustin Pichot": even though you don't talk much, your fortitude and love of the game is clear as day. you've got the pace, the knowledge. now sharpen your composure and learn to control the game and have the confidence to distribute the ball. and when you see that elusive gap, don't hesitate. the pitch is your stage, so make them sit up and take notice. keep all the world's attention focused on you!
#10: SK (C) - o' captain my captain, the talisman.
my "Stephen Larkham": you might not have the devastating pace, or the physical prowess to break through the line at will. but what you have is vision - vision to distribute the ball, vision for that half-break, vision to pick out that man running for the gap. your passes and kicks are your most potent weapons. see the big picture; you're the general, you're the one that your team looks to for leadership. you boss the game!
#11: Jasper - the mercurial one, catch him if you can.
my "Joe Rokocoko": agility and pace are priceless commodities and some of the most useful abilities to have when you're one on one with the opponent. get the ball and exploit that space in front of you. there are times to be selfish and also times to be selfless. dancing steps, quick feet, blistering pace - let your feet do the thing!
#12: Ee chu - the caring and fun-loving guy who will take one for the team, anyday.
my "Yannick Jauzion": you are the midfield powerhouse who possess the delicate touch for a man of no small stature. handling, ball distribution and that uncanny gift to pick out the gap are your most valuable assets. you shoulder the heavy burden of both being a constant threat in attack and a solid road block in defense. run straight, and run hard!
#13: Jia chen - never-say-no and smiles all day long.
my "Conrad Smith": the versatile runner with good hands on the ball. the passes, the offloads, you lay out the ground work for others to do their thing. the awareness of space and support around you is probably the reason for your adaptability playing as a utility forward too - a skill few possesses. glory also comes in doing the hard work!
#14: Dao yuan - who says there's no place for a little guy in a game dominated by giants.
my "Vincent Clerk": though you lack the physique to compete physically with some of the bigger guys, there's always a place for the little guy. use your ingenuity and play a thinking game. always keep the opponents guessing on your next move. and when you do get the ball, you just have to pluck it out of the air, and... run forest run!
#15: Cai shuai - the one who's probably a bit of a nutjob when it comes to rugby.
my "Mils Muliana": solid in defense, abrasive in attack. you're one who proudly displays the give-it-all attitude in your actions. your instincts and athleticism are the strengths of your game, so utilize them to the fullest degree. continue to hone your understanding and be safe with the ball. run, catch, tackle. and then run, catch and tackle some more!
+listening to: exit by blues saraceno
Thursday, June 5
| choices | |
why are there so many choices in life that we have to make?
humans are obsessed with customization. gone are the days of the ford model-t where "you can have it in any colour you want as long as it's black".
i'm staring at the course work list that i just got in the mail for my electrical engineering major. it's about 20 pages long, printed in size 3 font. to add the icing on the cake, the associate head for undergraduate programs signed off the letter with "happy reading through this material".
the only thing i'm gonna be happy about by the time i finish it is the fact that i would have lost total sensation in my eyelids and that my eyeballs would have gone septic. also, all my hair would have fallen out and i would probably need a completely brand new set of dentures too. good golly i must really be looking forward to reading it.
looking on the bright side, i've finally watched There Will Be Blood! oh my, oh my it was good. i've always known it would be a really awesome film but i just didn't have the time to watch it when it came out because, well i was too busy mugging for my a levels to even remember to eat, let alone watch a movie.
the landscape was bleak, and i don't know what kind of filters they used on the cameras or what type of medium they filmed it on but boy it sured looked like one of those classic 70s westerns. it's got that rustic vibe and that hard edge. the oil boom of the early 1900s as told through the relationships between a loving father and an adopted son, between a psychotic tycoon and a pseudo priest was a brilliant plot. it was like going back in time. and maybe there's a hint of parallelism to the modern-day america? oil and religion, anyone?
the soundtrack was kind of an acquired taste, and i did get cheesed out by the ending a bit: the over-acting plus the overly artificial symbolism with the pool of blood. but other than that it was very, VERY cool. both emotionally and visually.
the director paul anderson has outdone himself once again by breaking all the rules of coherence. after his previous engagements like Magnolia, which (in my humble opinion) was both INSANELY good and revolutionary, you'd think he'd toned down a bit, but... no. and daniel day-lewis? what can i say. he is mind-boggling. it just reminded me of his performance as "the butcher" in Gangs of New York. probably my favourite character in that film too.
and i particularly like the quote by lord byron from which the title was taken: "the king-times are fast finishing, there will be blood shed like water, and tears like mist. but the peoples will conquer in the end. i shall not live to see it, but i foresee it."
films like this are the sechs yo! how can you not love the movies?
+listening to: lullaby by david roth
Wednesday, June 4
| all the world at my fingertips | |
i've got so many things laid out in front of my eyes that erm, honestly i don't know what to do next. the emails kept coming with subject headings such as "...action required", "selection needed for...", "...important coursework info", etc.
it's a little too overwhelming, and the fact that i was informed today of my residential hall assignment for uni does not provide any relief at all. you see, i was assigned to snyder hall, one of the "six-packs", also renowned for being "party" halls. well i guess i can only blame myself, because it was the only substance-free (read: good boy) hall on offer. apparently you cannot be intoxicated while you're staying there or you'll get kicked out. i guess i'll just have to crash somewhere else on those really plastered-to-the-wall days.
the morning session was pretty sweet. the boys actually showed up before i did and it was a bit more relaxed with more focus on individual skills. and one particular team drill at the end made me glad to see how far they've come since the end of the season. i'd like to think part of the credit goes to me, but honestly i couldn't even possibly begin. because i saw something that i haven't seen in a while - that unmistakable sheen in some of their eyes, that glitter, and maybe signs of that desire. i know to some of them, this game really means a lot and that they truly love it. i know.
i desperately want to watch a good movie tonight to let off some steam, but i'm terribly undecided on which one. hmm... time to make a decision...
There Will Be Blood it is.
+listening to: central park west - your lady by jeff richman
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Tuesday, June 3
| a not-so-proverbial case study in cultural differences | |
so today i was on the receiving end of some of the warmest and most detestable services offered by the people who work in the same organisation, the same building, and the same room. the crucial difference is that one of the parties is a person from another country and the other is local.
the check in process at uncle sam's embassy was smooth enough with the usual security screening and every thing. evidently they take security very seriously and it really did seem like a fortified castle wherever you went. the walls are thicker and everything is in the dullest shade of gray possible.
subject #1:
then there was the usual waiting process. and when it finally came my turn to pay the application fee and submit the documents, i walked briskly up to the counter and was told (in a very inhospitable tone) by the lady at the counter to read the instructions pasted on the window and follow them. now you could tell she was local from her accent, and all the while she didn't even bother to establish any sort of eye contact. it really made me feel like she's got better things to do than sitting there and doing her job. and then after some fumbling for documents, she returned one of those forms and asked me to sign it. when i asked her "may i know where?..." she snapped at me impatiently "flip over the page and read the instructions!" i got quite the rude shock, signed it, apologized and left hurriedly to wait again.
subject #2:
then when my turn came for the interview, the person attending to me at the counter was this cheery dude with a half-shaven beard. i guess he was in his early thirties and obviously a consulate official from the states. from the moment he said hello till i left, our conversation was so easy going and relaxed and he even managed to crack a joke. i totally forgot that it was supposed to be an "interview" and that my heart was threatening to explode and leave nasty blood stains on my shirt just minutes before i was called. you could feel the energy in his voice and that he really loved his job. in fact it took only about 5 minutes for him to give me the big grin and tell me that my visa was approved. and keeping in mind that it is i who's seeking a favour from them and not the other way around, it's surprising, by any standards, to see the kind of hospitality shown to me. he just sort of reminds you of your favourite teacher in school - funny, capable and just a joy to be around with.
it got me thinking, what made it so different the attitude between us in the east and those in the west who are in the "service" industry. somehow we think of it as something only fit for the lowest rungs of society while over in the west people do their jobs with the same kind of pride that they do everything else. and it really made all the difference in the feel-good department of your head. maybe it has also got something to do with the way they were brought up?
i gotta hand it to uncle sam for putting some of the friendliest people in their embassies across the world.
and oh, thanks for the visa again.
+listening to: isis by bob dylan
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Monday, June 2
| the day i lost it | |
i'm listening to "footsteps" by pearl jam over and over again. it soothes me when i'm moody.
the clock says 12.38am, june the 3rd.
i'm thinking about leaving singapore, leaving all the fond memories. leaving a good part of my life behind. i also can't help but hate this place, it damaged me irreversibly when i was a kid. that's when i changed. i swear something died inside of me. i learnt to take all kinds of shit from people, not fighting back, shutting myself in, silently ignoring all the derogatory xenophobic comments. it felt like the world was against me, at age 10.
i haven't felt like that for a long time. something happened today that just brought that sick feeling back. it's different though, nothing malicious, but somehow it achieved the same effect. it's like pricking open an old wound or getting that same old repulsive aftertaste in your mouth that you loathe with a passion.
today i lost it.
| i'll be good uncle sam | |
hmm, tomorrow shall be the day that i officially get my stamp of approval from uncle sam's government that lets me legally study in the US of A
now the thing i'm a little worried about is the visa interview. i've already got the paperwork all sorted out, but somehow the idea of a visa interview irks me. partially because i've never had a visa interview before, and partially because i'll be inside uncle sam's embassy with those beastly looking armed guards.
i wonder what they'll ask me. no matter. erm... i hereby promise, with all my heart, that:
♣ i will not binge drink excessively while in the states
♣ no partying shall commence until thursday night
♣ partying will continue till no later than monday night
♣ i will not knock up random gals for no good reason
♣ i will not go on a rampage under any circumstances while drunk
♣ plastered-to-the-wall drinking shall only be reserved for after mid-terms and finals
♣ i will not attempt to commandeer any vehicle bigger than a bus while under the influence of alcohol
♣ i will not wet myself or vomit on someone else's couch/carpet
♣ i will not be a public nuisance on weekdays
♣ i vow to have nothing but the utmost respect for your national symbol - budweiser
there you go - my 10 commandments. now uncle sam, will you let me pass please?
+listening to: new york city by norah jones
